55. Shame

 Over this past year, the Lord has shown me that I walk in the gift of prophecy and intercession. The tug on my heart to begin speaking to people in real life (Not just through social media) has become very strong. As He has continued to reveal this gift to me, teaching me how to walk in it, He’s also revealed something within me that is still keeping me bound from really stepping out. About a month or so ago at a conference, I found myself confiding in a friend of mine about this. We talked a little about fear but right away I knew it wasn’t fear. Even still, I recognize that when I’m put on the spot, no matter how I feel about it, I totally shut down and I don’t know why. I can’t see straight, I can’t breath, I can’t think. I shut down. Still bothered by it, I went home and asked God to show me what it was- What was shutting me down. I prayed for further revelation. That night, the Lord gave me a dream:

I was at my house and I went outside on my back porch. There was a chair sitting there so I sat down. As I was sitting there, I noticed movement at the bottom of the steps beside me. Immediately I felt embarrassed and stood up and quickly went back inside my house.

After getting in, I closed the back door and a very tall, quiet and intimidating man made his way up my back steps and stood outside the door. In my dream he was very very familiar. The ‘I know I know him-who is he?!’ Familiar. He wasn’t meant to be a friend or family member but I understood he had been around before. He carried an atmosphere of intimidation just by being present. I was no doubt very very uncomfortable but not gripped with fear.

Somehow the back door was open again and in my dream some kind of exchange happened between me and the man but no words were actually spoken. He never physically forced his way in but somehow I felt violated with him standing there so I quickly shut the door again. This time I remembered to lock it. I then walked into my kitchen to duck down and hide in between my cabinets. No sooner did I get there I’d hear the door open again. I did this three more times and as I was walking back the last time to hide, I remember thinking in my dream, ‘How does this keep happening? How does he keep opening the door?’

As I passed the second door (the one in the kitchen), the man’s hand reached through and grabbed me by the front of my shirt. Startled, I looked down and saw the glass on the kitchen door had been broken and I didn’t realize it. His hand was reaching through the places that were broken. And although they were small, I understood that this was how he was getting in and throwing the other door wide open again and again.

At this point my body woke up from the dream, but before I even opened my eyes, I remember asking the Lord, “Who was that man in my dream?” And the Lord replied with the man’s name:

“Shame”

As I wrote the dream down further revelation hit me.

Among other things, the Lord brought the doors to my attention. The one that continued to be swung open and closed by me is one we actually use all the time. And He showed me that was not where shame was getting in-I was focusing on the wrong door. Instead He lead me to the other door. The kitchen door in our house is a forgotten door. In the seven years we have lived in this house, we have never once opened it. As I realized this, the Lord was telling me that the grip that shame still has on me was coming from a forgotten door. Even the smallest cracks-the bits of brokenness I (thought) I buried a long time ago and forgot about was still allowing the man named shame to enter my life and he will always be swinging the door wide open as long as he has a grip on me.

Before this dream, Shame was no where on my radar. To be honest, because of how new of a concept it is to me, I am still walking through this. But because of this dream, the Lord has since opened up past hurts that He wanted me to deal with. Things that I never even gave a second thought to. Partially because I didn’t want to revisit them and partially because the enemy had me convinced they had no relevance to who I am now. The struggles and pain we experience are not always coming through the door we think it is. Ask the Lord for revelation. He is ready to set you free.

54. Lord have your way...

 The other day the thought hit me: that for some reason, after I made it to the one year of recovery after sepsis, I thought it was somehow going to be the ending point.

Ending point for what? I’m not entirely sure.

Perhaps I was just so exhausted. My body had never been under a physical attack like that before. I had never been stretched emotionally and mentally like that. All worldly life lines were completely stripped away bringing me to my knees again and again in a raw and pure desperation before the Lord. It felt like a lifetime of teachings hit me at an intensely fast way over the course of one year. So standing on that one year mark, in my mind, it was supposed to end of that part of my life-and I would come out of it fully transformed into whatever glorious creature the Lord was bringing me forth as!!!!! What I think I am realizing, is that it wasn’t the end to anything but instead it really was just the beginning of a brand new book... He has been preparing me for what He has prepared for me.

I don’t think I am the only one. I feel as if we have all gone through a season of testing especially this past year. And now the Lord is shifting: He is shifting HIS people and placing His people where HE wants them. Lately, I have been having a very challenging time getting my thoughts to slow down enough to hear from the Lord. Everything just seems so jumbled. The times I struggle with the spaghetti noodle type thoughts, I find that the Lord is asking me to get out my pen and paper. As I did, this is what I found myself writing:

”Stop. Look around. What do you see? Stuff and more stuff. It’s time to clean house. Get rid of the emotional, spiritual and physical piles of stuff that are collecting dust and taking up space. Get rid of what you’ve been holding onto but no longer belongs to you. Make room for the ”new” I am preparing you for. This is a place you have never been. This is a place of uncharted territory. You cannot rely on your strength to get you through. I know you don’t even know where we are going but I am taking you somewhere you cannot survive without me. You cannot survive counting on your own strength and skills or things of the world. Where we are going, I must be present with you at all times and I will give you the wisdom you need as you need it. Step by step.“

I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that this was not just a message for me. So I am laying it out there for those it was meant to minister to.

Lord have your way.

53. Student of Jesus

 

7 years ago I didn't own a Bible. I didn't even know the last time I read one. 7 years ago I didn't attend church. I was too busy....with stuff. I didn't know much about salvation or the promises of Jesus.

6 years ago I started taking my (2) kids to church by myself until the Holy Spirit moved in my husband’s life and led him to church with us nearly a year and a half later. 6 years ago I made a decision to follow Jesus and make Him Lord and savior of my life. I repented. I was forgiven. I was washed clean and stepped into a new life. 6 years ago I bought a Bible.

I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know how to read it. I certainly didn't understand it and I remember thinking that I could never live up to what I thought a ‘good Christian’ was supposed to look like.

Slowly since 2014, I have grown into my time with Jesus. It took a beginning commitment on my part...Put Jesus first. And it started with just reading a verse or two every few days. He took me step by step after that. Using others to show me and teach me ways to continue developing a relationship with Him. And along the way I had a choice...would I make the effort or would I make the excuse? I decided to make the effort. But I assure you it hasn't been easy. There's always been exhaustion and distractions. Always kids sleeping schedules (and lack of) to work around. Always the challenge to find "quiet" time in a growing household. Always a list of to do's that didn't get done today.... It has always been a balancing act, but I was determined to put Jesus first and He met me where I was in each season of life.

I came to the realization this past week that I am a student of the Lord. I laughed as I saw myself for the first time like one of those people I used to hear about and think how unrealistic it was to spend that much time at the feet of Jesus. I even debated sharing this because I certainly don't want to make anyone feel bad for where they are or that they can't live up to some kind of expectation (the way I once felt) But the Lord reminded me that my relationship with Him is not because He likes me better. My relationship with Him is because I have chosen to draw near to Him daily. And the truth is...it takes a lifetime of choices on our parts. No matter where you are in your walk with Jesus....there is a choice:Will you make the effort or will you make an excuse?

If you want a relationship with Jesus, you can have one. If you want to learn how to hear the Holy Spirit, it is possible. If you want to be a prayer warrior, you can be. If you want to get to know Jesus, you can. If you want to learn how to operate in the gifts the Lord has given you, you can do that too. But it won't happen if you keep your Bible shut. It won't happen if you only allow Him to be in parts of your life every now and then. It won't happen if you only attend church on occasion. It won’t happen if you simply squeeze Him in when it’s convenient. It won't happen if you only pray when you need something. It won't happen with wishful thinking. It's a choice. Your choice. And only you can make it for yourself.

52. Tug of War

 For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self esteem and self worth. My past is really what kept me tripped up. I didn’t see it then, but as I look back, I can clearly see the spiritual battle that raged over me while growing up. I often found myself wondering how in the world I ever escaped the dark path I was heading down. The real kicker was that I was not following Jesus for any of it. In fact most of my childhood into adulthood, I just didn’t want anything to do with Him. It wasn’t that I didn’t know who He was (my mom took us to church), but at some point in my life, I made a choice to live without Him.

After being saved, I have battled with the thoughts of my past, and I took it to the Lord often. I posed the question to Him, almost out of desperation, asking Him to show me why He loved me, after all I certainly didn’t feel lovable. But the Lord works in the most beautiful of ways when we are vulnerable and instead of giving me reasons WHY He loved me, He showed me how MUCH He loves me:

I saw an image of myself in a tug of war battle. My body was being used instead of rope and I was standing in the middle with both arms stretched out. On one end I saw, what I understood to be my past, grabbing and pulling and tugging at my arm, causing half of my body to be a mess as it continued to try to pull me and win the battle. No matter how frantically and desperately the things of life tried to take me, it was as if the footing continuously slipped and other than shaking me up, it was getting nowhere. The other half of my body was completely still and as I simply turned my head to look at what was at the end of my other arm, I saw the cross. In my spirit I understood in a whole new way that Jesus died on the cross for ME. The battle I had been facing when I was younger, no matter how real it felt, had already been won by the power of the cross. And because Jesus loves me so much, and despite the fact I had turned my back on Him….He was there the whole time. HE. Never. Let. Me. Go.

So often, during the messy times in our life, we tend to see only one side of the tug of war battle. The side that comes with the desperate attempts of life to wear us down. The side that is shaking us up and causing chaos, stress, anxiety, fear, bitterness, hopelessness, etc. But no matter what that side of the tug of war looks like, the TRUTH on the other side is the cross. It stands so confidently, with so much strength-never wavering that we can easily miss seeing it there to begin with. We never had to do anything to put it there-Jesus did that. All we have to do, is shift our focus from one side of the battle to the other. All we have to do, is turn our heads to see that Jesus has been there the whole time.

No matter what you are going through right now, what your past looks like, or what your future appears to be, or even how you feel about Him, I am telling you right now Jesus LOVES you and He died on the cross for YOU. And you are NEVER too far away to come back to Him.

My heart broke into a million beautiful and overwhelming pieces from the image of intense love I experienced that day. Sadly, people are the ones who will let go of Jesus just as I did. But if we never open up our lives to Him, we will never see that He is steadfast and true. We will never get to experience what true love is. We will never know about the victory we can walk in because of the cross, and we will never get to understand what it means to have Him on our side of the tug of war battles. If you have never made Jesus Lord and Savior of your life…today is a good day to do it! If you don’t know what that means or have questions, please reach out to me or someone you trust.

Because I love you….but HE loves you more.

51. Walk in freedom

Written July 31, 2020  

When I was a kid, I was gripped in fear. When I say gripped, I mean utterly and entirely paralyzed and consumed by fear. Fear of what you may ask? Sickness. Disease. Uncontrollable illness. I was terrified of getting sick. And I was terrified of somehow giving others I love a sickness. Hopeless. Darkness. Isolation. Gripping Fear. Petrified. Evil. These were things I remember feeling as I laid awake in bed night after night as a child with images flashing through my head of horrific ways sickness and disease would kill me and my family. 

That fear of sickness grew. It didn’t only stay within the walls of my health and the health of those around me. No-when we let fear go unaddressed, it consumes. Slowly but surely, without me even realizing it, fear made its way into every corner of my life. When I became an adult, I had let fear take its course and I was no longer living but hiding from things I couldn’t control. Again, I was bound. I was paralyzed. I was consumed. 

When I found Jesus in 2014 this was something the Lord began to work on right away. Little by little, He took me on a journey to address the issue of fear that the enemy had used to bind and control me my entire life. Little by little, the Lord spoke into situations in my life and the chains of fear began to fall-one link at a time. For five years, I walked a journey with the Holy Spirit where He was healing me and speaking into the fear that I was walking in since childhood.

In 2019 I got sick. Without warning-the worst nightmare I had as a child was coming true. Despite the sanitary conditions I was told I was in (experts, doctors, masks, gloves, plastic, sterilization, etc) the bacteria somehow made it into my bloodstream. It infected me from the inside out and was slowing eating away. I was sick with something that nearly killed me and left my husband and five children without a wife and mother. There weren’t answers. No one can tell me why or how I got it. No one can tell me if I will get it again. No one can tell me why I turned septic. No one can tell me why after 36+ hours untreated, I was still alive. No one can tell me. But the Lord spoke to me again and again through the entire thing. There was an incredible peace within me as I was pricked, poked, tested, and watched to see if I would live. As my body was slowly dying, He brought me peace. HE was in control. Whether I lived or whether I died. HE was in control. Not me. Not the doctors. Not the nurses. Not even the medicine.  

When I did walk out of the hospital, another link in the chain of fear fell. My perspective of sickness has forever shifted. I know My God is in control. No matter what people try to tell me. I have NO control over sickness-whether I will get it or whether I will give it. I cannot control my time on this earth any more than I can control someone else’s. And He finally taught me how to release that to Him. After 5 years of healing my heart, He walked me through my worst fear as a child. The fear that began the downward spiral of my life. He addressed it head on and He showed me where HE would be every single step of the way. After that, I walked through an intense year of PTSD-a spiritual battle unlike any I have ever experienced in my life. One I do not believe I would have been able to walk through had that fear not been addressed. The last chain fell. I was set free.

I have only wore a mask a couple of times and my spirit was unsettled. As I dug into it asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what was in my heart, He answered me. Now, when I look at the mask in my hands, when I think about putting it on, I think of the childhood fear that started it all. Even though I know so many want me to, I cannot see the mask as a means of protection. I cannot see the mask as a way to “control” a virus. What I see when I look at the mask are the two things that the enemy used to control me: 1.The fear of getting sick. And 2. The fear of maybe or maybe not being a carrier and making someone else sick. The truth is, I cannot put that mask back on my face. 

Whether you agree with me or not, that is up to you. I’m not asking for man’s approval. Regardless of all the pressure from the society, this is what I will say:

I walked an entire life gripped with fear. And I will NEVER willingly step back into the bondage that the Lord has set me free from. Those chains were broken by the power and blood of Jesus Christ. And I will walk in the freedom the Lord has given me. I will put my trust in Him. If I am right or wrong, it is only for the Lord to say. And until He tells me otherwise, I will not walk back into the place He just set me free from. And no matter what happens to me in this lifetime, I know He has the power to heal. I know He is good. I know whose I am. I know the one who leads me and no matter what happens I will always praise HIS name above all else. And I know He wants me to share my testimony so others know they don’t have to walk in fear either. 

If you are battling fear in any area of your life…..please reach out to me. I want to talk with you. I want to pray with you. Freedom is found in the Lord. And He wants to set you free from the fear that may be gripping you as well. 

50. Invisible Momma

 Some days I feel invisible.

I know in all logical thought, I'm not but that doesn't keep me from feeling it on occasion.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapers, bath time, snotty noses, referee, rule enforcer, school work, housework, punching bag, exhaustion.....you know the story. How easy it can be to feel like you get lost in it all til you are no longer seen but expected.

I adore my babies and cherish my moments with them. Of course with every struggle there is even more beautiful moments to hold on to. But truth be told I crave adult interaction....something this season of life rarely gives me. I long to hear the unspoken appreciation be spoken. I long to feel seen. But the question remains: seen by whom and for what? The Lord is doing a number on my heart to redefine the perceived importance I have placed on myself. He is opening my eyes to the life of invisability in a whole new way. Some days are harder than others and I find he tells me to slow down yet again. It is in these slow down moments that I find myself sitting in His powerful presence.

Today, as I sat in the grass thinking about the state of invisibility, the Lord showed me that within that, I am right in the middle of the teeniest details of these children's lives. Details that no one-not even Adam-are a part of. I didnt have to speak. I didnt have to do anything. I was simply there to witness their existence in that moment. 

Me. no one else.

Although I have read this book before, it is one worth rereading and highly recommend it to all other mamas out there. Thank you to my for gifting it to me years ago).

Mamas....if you are feeling invisible, please know you are not alone. No matter what it feels like, know God sees each and every second of your life and everything in between. You are not invisible. You are STRONG. you are BEAUTIFUL. you are IMPORTANT. you are LOVED. you are UNIQUE and as I continue to walk this journey, please know I am also praying for revelation to come to you so you may know just how perfectly cherished you truly are.

49. This is my angry face...

 Two days ago I was angry. 

I woke up at my usual time, got dressed and sat with Holy Spirit to talk about the day. I caught up on my reading, sat in a few moments of reflection and prayed. It was a beautiful start to a day. I felt ready for whatever was ahead of me. 

Then, as I often do before the kids get up, I made some coffee and jumped on facebook. And it bubbled. Ugh. Sadness turned to frustration and frustration to anger. Friends, we have an opportunity right now in this very moment. We each have a platform and it is up to us how we use it. There is no doubt that this is a trying time for EVERYONE and I believe it is clear to everyone what is happening….

PAUSE. Ok friends, I had a long list of yucky things that I am seeing circulating facebook that I was all ready to call attention to. I don’t complain much-at least I try not to but I couldn’t take it anymore-I was ready to give the facebook world a piece of my mind. I know many of you know what I am talking about without me even having to go into details about some of the stuff we are seeing going around. Even though I knew I had valid points, I couldn’t bring myself to post it and decided to sleep on it. 

The next morning I woke up and stumbled upon the scripture in Jonah 4:4-10
“But the Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry?” Jonah had gone out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. Then the Lord God provided a leafy plant and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the plant. But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the plant so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint…But God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?” “It is,” he said. “And I’m so angry I wish I were dead.” But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up over night and died overnight.” 

We all have things we can complain about and we may even have completely valid points and real zingers that will leave their mark. But that is not what God is calling us to do. Facebook can be a beautiful platform for the love of God to be shared-we have been given the opportunity to use it wisely. But everyone has been given the same opportunity and many don’t use it to highlight the good in this world often becoming the worm without even realizing it. But regardless of what we see, we have a choice in how we respond. If I decided to post my frustration, wouldn’t that make me just another voice in the crowd when God calls us to stand out from the crowd? So I wonder, how do we respond when the world makes us angry? We tend to the plant. We care for the plant. We water it and help it to grow. But it is not our job to change the plant. We must leave that up to God. We all have a choice moving forward:highlight the beautiful side of humanity or share the doom and gloom.We all have a choice to seek the stories that are worth sharing. The articles worth reading. We have the choice to be the voice that lifts others up (even the ones who are tearing people down) to perhaps show them a kindness they may never have experienced before. We have a choice in what we post and what we say. It does not mean we have to entertain negativity. It means we love like Jesus and let God take care of the rest