Over this past year, the Lord has shown me that I walk in the gift of prophecy and intercession. The tug on my heart to begin speaking to people in real life (Not just through social media) has become very strong. As He has continued to reveal this gift to me, teaching me how to walk in it, He’s also revealed something within me that is still keeping me bound from really stepping out. About a month or so ago at a conference, I found myself confiding in a friend of mine about this. We talked a little about fear but right away I knew it wasn’t fear. Even still, I recognize that when I’m put on the spot, no matter how I feel about it, I totally shut down and I don’t know why. I can’t see straight, I can’t breath, I can’t think. I shut down. Still bothered by it, I went home and asked God to show me what it was- What was shutting me down. I prayed for further revelation. That night, the Lord gave me a dream:
I was at my house and I went outside on my back porch. There was a chair sitting there so I sat down. As I was sitting there, I noticed movement at the bottom of the steps beside me. Immediately I felt embarrassed and stood up and quickly went back inside my house.
After getting in, I closed the back door and a very tall, quiet and intimidating man made his way up my back steps and stood outside the door. In my dream he was very very familiar. The ‘I know I know him-who is he?!’ Familiar. He wasn’t meant to be a friend or family member but I understood he had been around before. He carried an atmosphere of intimidation just by being present. I was no doubt very very uncomfortable but not gripped with fear.
Somehow the back door was open again and in my dream some kind of exchange happened between me and the man but no words were actually spoken. He never physically forced his way in but somehow I felt violated with him standing there so I quickly shut the door again. This time I remembered to lock it. I then walked into my kitchen to duck down and hide in between my cabinets. No sooner did I get there I’d hear the door open again. I did this three more times and as I was walking back the last time to hide, I remember thinking in my dream, ‘How does this keep happening? How does he keep opening the door?’
As I passed the second door (the one in the kitchen), the man’s hand reached through and grabbed me by the front of my shirt. Startled, I looked down and saw the glass on the kitchen door had been broken and I didn’t realize it. His hand was reaching through the places that were broken. And although they were small, I understood that this was how he was getting in and throwing the other door wide open again and again.
At this point my body woke up from the dream, but before I even opened my eyes, I remember asking the Lord, “Who was that man in my dream?” And the Lord replied with the man’s name:
As I wrote the dream down further revelation hit me.
Among other things, the Lord brought the doors to my attention. The one that continued to be swung open and closed by me is one we actually use all the time. And He showed me that was not where shame was getting in-I was focusing on the wrong door. Instead He lead me to the other door. The kitchen door in our house is a forgotten door. In the seven years we have lived in this house, we have never once opened it. As I realized this, the Lord was telling me that the grip that shame still has on me was coming from a forgotten door. Even the smallest cracks-the bits of brokenness I (thought) I buried a long time ago and forgot about was still allowing the man named shame to enter my life and he will always be swinging the door wide open as long as he has a grip on me.
Before this dream, Shame was no where on my radar. To be honest, because of how new of a concept it is to me, I am still walking through this. But because of this dream, the Lord has since opened up past hurts that He wanted me to deal with. Things that I never even gave a second thought to. Partially because I didn’t want to revisit them and partially because the enemy had me convinced they had no relevance to who I am now. The struggles and pain we experience are not always coming through the door we think it is. Ask the Lord for revelation. He is ready to set you free.
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