18. God never Fails REPOST

Written December 27, 2019 REPOST

This Christmas season was unexpectedly challenging for me. And when I say unexpected…..I totally mean unexpected. It felt as if I was having a complete relapse….anxiety attacks, high emotions, feelings of doubt and dread flooded my thoughts. Humiliating and terrifying dreams that reminded me of my stay in the hospital leaving me totally uncomfortable and vulnerable, sleepless nights, Adam and the kids getting sick that sent me into a spiral of fear and uncertainty. Plus the added holiday festivities. Even in the moments of fun, I was once again sensitive to noise and overwhelmed by the activity. It felt like I was living in a month of not being able to breath. I was not expecting any of it and I found myself waiting for it all to pass and the joyful season to start….

In doing so, I sunk into myself and what was happening around me a little more. And being completely honest I went from waking up every morning to spend an hour + with God to not opening my Bible for nearly two weeks. I sunk. Hard. It is very true that reading your Bible is never meant to be a checklist item….but it is also very true that when you don’t spend time aligning yourself with God, your thoughts begin to get so mixed up in the middle of an emotional tornado til nothing seems to make any sense and you’re only able to see the mess of emotions hitting all at once. And that’s where I found myself Christmas Eve morning….

I excused myself from the morning craziness of getting ready at my house (retreated is really what I did if I’m being honest) and hit my knees in my room where I silently whispered “God I’m not strong enough for this anymore. I have nothing left.” See, when we stray from Gods word, we tend to start believing we must be the ones with the strength. And as I sat with my face in my hands, tears streaming down and the feeling of defeat overwhelming me, I heard a particular lyric to a song I have listened to many many times.

“I may be weak but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will.”

In that moment, I was such a mess I couldn’t have reminded myself of any scripture if I wanted to….so, instead He reminded me of His truth and his never ending-no-strings-attached love through the lyrics of a song. 

“I may be weak but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will.”

It was just the reminder I needed….I am not meant to be strong. At least not in the definition we put on it. HE is my strength. HE has been the one who has got me through every step of this journey. The emotions didn’t disappear, but I was able to get up off the floor of my bedroom and through the rest of the days activities I found the constant reminder that I wasn’t alone and the beautifully unexplainable peace among the chaos that can only be found through Him. 

Emotions and trauma can apparently take you for some weird loops….and I am not a fan. But if you are in a place where you have hit your knees and also feel like you have nothing left, I am here to remind you friend, you are not alone. I am honored to share the message of my tears and the beautiful God who peeled me off the floor that morning because, He is waiting for you too….He is waiting for you to turn to him, to surrender what you think you know and what you think you feel and allow Him to remind you of His truth.

Our flesh may fail but our God NEVER will.