51. Walk in freedom

Written July 31, 2020  

When I was a kid, I was gripped in fear. When I say gripped, I mean utterly and entirely paralyzed and consumed by fear. Fear of what you may ask? Sickness. Disease. Uncontrollable illness. I was terrified of getting sick. And I was terrified of somehow giving others I love a sickness. Hopeless. Darkness. Isolation. Gripping Fear. Petrified. Evil. These were things I remember feeling as I laid awake in bed night after night as a child with images flashing through my head of horrific ways sickness and disease would kill me and my family. 

That fear of sickness grew. It didn’t only stay within the walls of my health and the health of those around me. No-when we let fear go unaddressed, it consumes. Slowly but surely, without me even realizing it, fear made its way into every corner of my life. When I became an adult, I had let fear take its course and I was no longer living but hiding from things I couldn’t control. Again, I was bound. I was paralyzed. I was consumed. 

When I found Jesus in 2014 this was something the Lord began to work on right away. Little by little, He took me on a journey to address the issue of fear that the enemy had used to bind and control me my entire life. Little by little, the Lord spoke into situations in my life and the chains of fear began to fall-one link at a time. For five years, I walked a journey with the Holy Spirit where He was healing me and speaking into the fear that I was walking in since childhood.

In 2019 I got sick. Without warning-the worst nightmare I had as a child was coming true. Despite the sanitary conditions I was told I was in (experts, doctors, masks, gloves, plastic, sterilization, etc) the bacteria somehow made it into my bloodstream. It infected me from the inside out and was slowing eating away. I was sick with something that nearly killed me and left my husband and five children without a wife and mother. There weren’t answers. No one can tell me why or how I got it. No one can tell me if I will get it again. No one can tell me why I turned septic. No one can tell me why after 36+ hours untreated, I was still alive. No one can tell me. But the Lord spoke to me again and again through the entire thing. There was an incredible peace within me as I was pricked, poked, tested, and watched to see if I would live. As my body was slowly dying, He brought me peace. HE was in control. Whether I lived or whether I died. HE was in control. Not me. Not the doctors. Not the nurses. Not even the medicine.  

When I did walk out of the hospital, another link in the chain of fear fell. My perspective of sickness has forever shifted. I know My God is in control. No matter what people try to tell me. I have NO control over sickness-whether I will get it or whether I will give it. I cannot control my time on this earth any more than I can control someone else’s. And He finally taught me how to release that to Him. After 5 years of healing my heart, He walked me through my worst fear as a child. The fear that began the downward spiral of my life. He addressed it head on and He showed me where HE would be every single step of the way. After that, I walked through an intense year of PTSD-a spiritual battle unlike any I have ever experienced in my life. One I do not believe I would have been able to walk through had that fear not been addressed. The last chain fell. I was set free.

I have only wore a mask a couple of times and my spirit was unsettled. As I dug into it asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what was in my heart, He answered me. Now, when I look at the mask in my hands, when I think about putting it on, I think of the childhood fear that started it all. Even though I know so many want me to, I cannot see the mask as a means of protection. I cannot see the mask as a way to “control” a virus. What I see when I look at the mask are the two things that the enemy used to control me: 1.The fear of getting sick. And 2. The fear of maybe or maybe not being a carrier and making someone else sick. The truth is, I cannot put that mask back on my face. 

Whether you agree with me or not, that is up to you. I’m not asking for man’s approval. Regardless of all the pressure from the society, this is what I will say:

I walked an entire life gripped with fear. And I will NEVER willingly step back into the bondage that the Lord has set me free from. Those chains were broken by the power and blood of Jesus Christ. And I will walk in the freedom the Lord has given me. I will put my trust in Him. If I am right or wrong, it is only for the Lord to say. And until He tells me otherwise, I will not walk back into the place He just set me free from. And no matter what happens to me in this lifetime, I know He has the power to heal. I know He is good. I know whose I am. I know the one who leads me and no matter what happens I will always praise HIS name above all else. And I know He wants me to share my testimony so others know they don’t have to walk in fear either. 

If you are battling fear in any area of your life…..please reach out to me. I want to talk with you. I want to pray with you. Freedom is found in the Lord. And He wants to set you free from the fear that may be gripping you as well.