38. Blank Canvas

A few weeks ago marked a year of recovery after sepsis. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I don’t really even know why I was thinking I should be expecting anything. But the day came and went as uneventful as it could have been. In fact, it was almost so uneventful that it became eventful....is that even possible? 

I know that my journey of sepsis does not define me. But I truly believe it was a major turning point in my walk for a multitude of reasons. Either way, I believe it was a time that I really began to find my voice for the Lord. Truly stepping into the journey He had prepared me for.

During prayer one evening close to that year-end mark, I sat with my notebook out, pen ready, waiting on the Lord, expecting to hear from Him.....

silence. 

”Of all nights!” I remember thinking....posing the question to the Lord, “Why are you silent?!”

But all I saw was a blank canvas. I so badly wanted to paint something on that canvas. I didn‘t want it to be blank. But then the Lord reminded me of a gallery setting. One I often visited while in art school. Walking through admiring the works of art...some single pieces telling its very own individual story while others combining together to create a series of work. And the question came to my mind: If you could paint what you are currently walking through, what would it look like? What colors and shapes would you use? Would it be a part of a series or stand on its own? What would your gallery look like and how many pieces would the Lord be a part of?

I could look back and see piece after piece in my gallery representing my walk over the years. Season by season a new piece was added to the wall. But here I am standing in front of a blank canvas. As if my past year has officially become my past; A close to the year that tried so hard to take me down and define me. I was stretched and crushed and loved and healed. The Lord taught me so much over this past year-but the baggage of what happened to me physically is not meant to go with me for the next painting-only the lessons I was taught and the never ending love of Jesus. 

It is true that the Lord God is unpredictable. The way He speaks to our hearts is so very very beautiful. If you feel so inclined to create a piece of art representing what you are walking through right now, I would love for you to share it with me!

As for me, a blank canvas awaits...

37. Right Where We Are

Tea stained paper is a super simple process that gives regular white paper a more unique antique look. It’s super simple but also super slow so often times when it’s tea paper day, I get a little bit of help and a whole lot of mess! 

 When I would take time to work on my stuff, I used to get so worked up with a mix of crazy emotions. From feeling guilty for putting the kids in front of the tv or telling them “go play”; to the frustration of walking around the house afterwards to find that no room had been left untouched either by toys strewn about, or their own art projects they decided to work on....and clean up never happened all because I was distracted. 

On top of that, I would see posts from other successful stay at home/work from home business moms with perfectly constructed posts and pictures with the slogan “YOU CAN TOO!” And instead of feeling the encouragement I know I was supposed to feel, I would find myself thinking, ”yeah...uhhhhhh my life doesnt look that put together even when I have it all together! Let alone when I start working on things.“ 

Because of this, for years, I have avoided taking my work seriously. My identity became a stay at home mom with everything else put on hold. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a stay at home momma but I put the gift that God placed in my heart under a rock with a self written label that said, “don’t lift until kids are moved out.” And a deep sadness would settle in. 

Over the last few years, I have done a lot of reflecting and praying on this. There was a time a few months back that I literally packed everything art related that I owned into boxes and shoved them under the steps so I didn’t have to look at them. I was a mess. Then I realized....that’s exactly where me and my family shine. In the mess.

Things do not have to be pretty and perfect to be from the Lord. Just because it is hard or it is messy does not mean He wants you to let go of something He has placed on your heart. He knows where you are. And chances are if He has placed a dream in your heart, He also has a plan for you to accomplish that dream. What we need to do is let go of our “supposed to” expectations and allow Him to lead the way.

Some days all I get done is snuggles. Other days I finally fold the clean clothes that have been in the dryer since the week prior. And some days I get so much done I don’t even know how it was possible. The beautiful things is, when you trust God with your life, you are also trusting that He will provide you with all the time you need to get done exactly what He has on your list for that day...Even through the mess.

36. The Narrow Path

During a worship experience in my living room, I danced with the Lord. He led me and I willingly let Him take the lead. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are fighting for it until we feel what it is like to surrender it. Through the song, I felt myself swaying in His presence becoming more and more aware of letting Him speak to my heart as my own thoughts and feelings began to diminish.

As the next song began to play, praise and worship flowed. In my mind I saw a narrow path in the middle of an open field. There were some people already walking on the the path while others were joining them periodically, seemingly from out of nowhere.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14

As people continued to walk along the narrow road and more people joined, I noticed that despite how full the path already was, when someone else joined, there was still plenty of room. There was no crowding and no expansion of the path itself. It remained narrow but there was always enough room for the new feet that joined.

As I saw this incredibly peaceful scene lay out in front of me,  I felt the invitation- an invitation He laid on my heart to all those who do not know Him yet:

Step onto the path. Although it is narrow, there is ALWAYS room for everyone who chooses to step on!

If you have never asked Jesus into your heart, there is no better time. You do not have to be in front of an audience to make this life changing decision. And if that is you-He sees you right now. Right where you are. And He is after your heart. All you have to do is say YES to Him. Step onto the path. Turn from your ways and the ways of this world and give the Lord control of the life He has blessed you with.

 A simple yet powerful prayer we each should be praying today and everyday is found in Psalms 25:4 “Show me your ways Lord, teach me your paths.”

And if you want to know more about what it means to give your life to Jesus please reach out to me! I would be honored to walk this path with you. But no matter your decision, please know there is ALWAYS enough room for you.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14

As I continued to meditate on this image, I noticed that no one was standing still. Every single person was moving. Again it was peaceful, no one was exhausted or tired but it was also clear that everyone was continuing to walk forward along the path.

I do not believe that our work is done just by stepping onto the path and accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Obviously that is the first step. But even when we step onto the path, we are expected to continue to pursue Him. Continue to be teachable with open hearts. Continue to learn who He is and ask for our eyes to be opened to His ways. Continue to repent and turn away from the world’s ways while continuing to go the distance for His kingdom until we are called home.

If you are already on that narrow path, and perhaps have veered off course or maybe you’ve gotten tired and have needed to sit down, or maybe that fire you once had really has faded significantly, rest assured He sees you too. And He loves you. Allow Him to help you back up. Allow Him to steer you back to the straight and narrow. He is the one who gives us strength when we are weary. He gives us strength to continue on the narrow path. He knows that life can be hard, but He certainly does not expect  you to walk it alone.

“My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways.” Proverbs 23:26

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

35. Momma Bear Mad

I have a shirt that reads “Momma Bear” on the front and I think it is safe to say that when I wear that shirt, I consider it a fair warning to anyone who may come in contact with me and my children. Just a subtle, “don’t mess with my babies; Yes I’m smiling now but one wrong move....” warning.

ok so that doesn’t actually go through my head when I wear the shirt. But I certainly do think we allllllllll know that you do NOT mess with a momma bear’s cubs...amiright?! 

I look at what is happening in this world and the way that so many beautiful people are being torn up and hurt and pushed and pulled and accused and abused and that momma bear instinct kicks in. No, it is not in a maternal way, obviously. But I tell you what, it sure is in a spiritual way. 

I am so tired of the deceptive tactics of the enemy. I am so tired of seeing him drag people through the mud and watch and laugh as we point the fingers and turn on one another. I am so tired of the spirit of offense sneaking into every.single.conversation that we may have. I am so tired of the lie he whispers that so many are believing. The lie that says WE are the ones that need to find the solution but somehow even many people of faith have forgotten that it is ONLY the LORD who has the solution and it’s by the Power of the Holy Spirit that hearts will change. I’m tired of seeing the enemy convince people that their opinion is more important to be heard than the Word of God. I’m tired of seeing these battles being created between men vs women; black vs. white; republican vs. democrat; PEOPLE VS PEOPLE but somehow the spiritual battle is forgotten. 

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

Satan will not give up. He wants to destroy you, he wants to destroy me, and he wants to destroy everyone and everything around us.....and it makes me MOMMA BEAR MAD!!!! 

I believe there is A POWERFUL SPIRITUAL instinct in each and every one of us. It is time to get mad the right way. If you are a follower of Christ, you DO have the Spirit of God within you. Walk with confidence in the authority Jesus has given you. The enemy can take us in our flesh, but flees when the Word of God is spoken. Worship MORE! Pray MORE! Love MORE! Read the Bible MORE! Pray with others. Pray for others. Ask God what to do. Spend time with Him. Wait. Listen. Be teachable to HIS ways (not the worlds). Friends it’s time we get serious. Enough is enough.

“Such is the confidence and steadfast reliance and absolute trust that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficiently qualified in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency and qualifications come from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

34. Just because you don’t see it...

Have you ever sat down to watch a plant grow? I can’t imagine it would be very exciting. Adam and I were outside looking at our aquaponics and I had made a comment how it didn’t seem like the plants were growing very quickly. And what Adam said next was TOTALLY the Holy Spirit speaking through Him: 

“Just because you can’t see it growing, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If you put a camera out here, you would see just how much they are growing every single day.” 

Not long after that day outside with Adam, I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about how far we had come from where we were a year ago in our walk with Jesus and how we were dealing with the things of life around us. But also expressing a level of frustration and sadness that in the day to day we still aren’t where our mind tells us we should be (especially when we start comparing ourselves to other people). Have you ever felt this way too? Immediately the words that Holy Spirit spoke through Adam hit me again. 

“Just because you can’t see it growing, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If you put a camera out here, you would see just how much they are growing every single day.” 

Listen friends,
🌱IF we are walking with a pure heart (“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10)...we are growing

🌱IF we are seeking the Lord through prayer, worship and reading the Bible (“Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually [longing to be in His presense] 1 Chronicles 16:11)...we are growing

🌱IF we are teachable and leave room to make changes and corrections in our life when we fall short (“What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8)...we are growing.

🌱IF we are putting in the effort to make ourselves available to HIM (“Choose for yourself this day whom you will serve…” Joshua 24:15)…

We. Are. Growing. 

We may not get to measure it in a tangible way and there are certainly going to be days where you feel as if you have gone backwards instead of forwards (trust me, that is growth too!) but there will come a day that you will look back on your life, perhaps the year in review and see just how far you have come. You may not be able to see your growth for what it is, but the Lord does. And trust me, He is moving in BIG ways. (I often times think that our small is actually His BIG!)

Do not give up. Keep your focus on Him. Continue to open your heart. Continue to let Him teach you and guide you. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. You ARE growing. 

“Blessed [joyful, nourished by God’s goodness] are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness [those who actively seek right standing with God], for they will be [completely] satisfied.” Matthew 5:6

“Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14

33. Small

Written May 30, 2020

Small: adjective
1. Of a size that is less than normal or usual
2. Insignificant; unimportant

Perspective: noun
1. A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view

There have been plenty of times in my life I have deemed something small-by either definition. Perhaps it is physically in size or the perceived importance. And as soon as I do, the significance of that thing starts to dwindle. Are you guilty of this too? That so often we walk the “go big or go home!” Perspective. I honestly don’t even know where it comes. There were even times growing up, I had to remind myself that being small In height was not a bad thing! 

Over the years, God has placed me in the small-I believe that God loves the small. It is in the small where He can move in HUGE ways. It is OUR perspective that can make small seem insignificant. And honestly, there was a pivotal moment early on in my faith walk that was so incredibly “small” by our definition but so incredibly huge by God’s. 

I was visiting a family farm on my husband’s side. Real. Genuine. Hard working people. And of all the things I remember that day, eight words have stuck with me for literally years. I believe these eight words were what shaped so much of my walk although at the time, I didn’t realize it. But as I was standing talking with the Aunt who owned the farm, my niece came over followed by the rest of the kids and began to speak of zombies (I don’t remember why this came up in conversation, but I have also learned making sense of childhood conversation is sometimes impossible!) But as she spoke, my heart raced-being a new Christian I was eager to speak truth into the childhood fears and I was ready to face this head on. But the sweet smile of Aunt Lori stopped me, as she listened intently to the children. And when they were done, without missing a beat she said, “Hold on to Jesus-He’s all you’ll ever need.” Still with a gentle smile on her face. The kids ran away and our conversation continued as if nothing interrupted it. 

Often times, I find myself seeking explanation. Sometimes as I write, I catch myself over explaining my thoughts in hopes that no one will miss the point I am trying to make. I think of sermons and speeches that leave that “WOW!” Factor and people talking about it for months and the way it changed their lives. The go big or go home mentality hits in ways sometimes I don’t even recognize. But what I learned that day was beautiful. It was simple. It was Jesus. The truth is, the most impactful thing I have heard so far in my six years as a Christ follower didn’t come from a preacher; It didn’t come from a group study or a worship experience; It didn’t come from a well known author or tv show. It came from a humble dairy cow farmer-a beautiful mother -dirt stained clothes and tough stained hands- it came from a woman whose daily life represents Christ- a woman whose gentle and sweet smile reached her eyes in ways I have never seen- it came from a response to a ten year old’s zombie fears. 

“Hold onto Jesus. He’s all you’ll ever need.”

32. September 2019

This is a page from my notebook back in September 2019 as I journaled through my sepsis recovery. 

Looking back there were so many moments that just didnt make sense. The thoughts that I struggled with, the emotions, the pain....

From time to time, I read through them again and I often don't recognize myself in the middle of it all. There was so much more that the Lord walked me through than just being physically ill. I'm humbled each and every time as I remember how He showed up again and again expecially in moments that overwhelmed me like these when the circumsatance in front of me was difficult to see past and what I was left with was holding onto the simple reminder that HIS love is enough. 

My heart aches for those who walk through their struggles without leaning into Him. Please...if this is you, know you dont have to walk it alone. And as always, I am here. To stand in faith with you. To pray for you. To walk this journey beside you. 

Letting people in your life is not a weakness but a sign of true strength. And I assure you, the Lord is waiting to show up in ways you will never expect.

31. Itching Ears

Written May 8, 2020

A few months ago during worship, my ear began to itch. It was so obnoxious that I actually wrote it down as I journaled through worship. A couple days later I was reminded of this scripture in 2 Timothy 4:3 

“For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.“ 

For years many have become deceived. For years many have been led astray. For years many have gone the “you do you” route and excused behavior because it suits a desired lifestyle. Sin is being overlooked and even praised. Hate is being elevated. satanic worship and witchcraft is being platformed and used as “entertainment.” And many are giving reassuring reasons why it all is now “ok”

But be strong, my Church family. You have been called into position to be a warrior in Christ’s army. What you have faced In life up to this point has been training grounds. Trust the Lord has already given you everything you will need to walk the days ahead with courage, strength and unshakable faith. DO NOT STAY SILENT. People need to hear who Jesus is before it is too late. GUARD YOUR HEART. Do not be swayed by the happenings of what is around us. Do not fall into the distraction of politics to keep you from speaking the word of God, even when it feels as if no one is listening. 

If you don’t know Jesus yet, do not wait...As we are all seeing, things are literally changing over night and the idea that tomorrow is never promised is even more real each day. And if one thing is for certain, the days of yesterday that we remember look nothing like the days of tomorrow. But the Lord God is in them all and HE NEVER CHANGES. 

Whether you are a follower and need support or whether you are not a follower and really don’t know where you stand, please reach out....if you are reading this, you cannot say you don’t know who to talk to. Message me. I will talk to you. I will pray with you. And I will continue to pray for you. You are never alone. 

Because I love you....and HE loves you more.

30. The Path to Change

Written April 25, 2020

I remember as a kid, I would ask my siblings and sometimes my cousins, “if you could change one thing about me, what would it be?” Although they never gave me a reason to believe I needed changed, I was under the impression that if I knew what they wanted, I would be accepted and there would be a greater desire to hang out with me. This mindset followed me many places and when I realized that I couldn’t change myself to please others, I found I often became hopelessly overwhelmed and sad. 

How easy is it for us to have a similar mindset with Jesus?There’s a good chance many of us have thought this way at some point: ”I have to change who I am and all the things I love to become a different person just to be loved and accepted by a God who is all loving? NO THANKS!” I will admit, when I was younger, this was one of the things that I would think about when Jesus and church were brought up. 

There are even days now that I find myself going back down this path but with a slightly different mindset. I now know how good HE is. I have seen Him move in my life and lives around me time and time again. I’ve seen Him heal and love and comfort and miracles happen and lives changed and people set free and prayers answered. A desire in me grew to do what He asks of me and Instead of asking God if He could change one thing about me, I have asked the same question in a slightly different way: What do I need to work on? What should I be doing differently? Show me! Reveal to me!

Now please don’t hear me wrong, there IS a place for spiritual growth which transforms you and glorifies Him. This spiritual growth is a result of changing mindsets, habits, and lifestyles. But this is completely different than trying to change who God created you to be. This line often became fuzzy for me and as I was asking for transformation, my mind was seeing that as a total redo of who I was. But instead of showing me how to change who I am, I am challenged to learn more about who He is and who I am in HIS eyes. And I would encourage you to do the same! 

He has not created any of us in a specific way only to tell us we must change what He created. But most of us aren’t living the life He intended for us to live in the first place. We have been overrun and consumed by the world, politics, hopelessness, depression, hustle, jealousy, fear, anger, bitterness and the list goes on. These are the things God wants you to be free from. And when you can see that His love for you is pure and true, you will begin to see that these things don’t have a place in your life. You can turn to Him and say “Ok God, I’ve had enough of this baggage...what can I do to in my life to be freed of these things?” And allow Him to guide you step by step. 

As you let go of what the world tells you that you should think about him; as you get past your own stubbornness and objections, and actually give Him a real chance, you will find that He is not trying to change who you are. He wants to free you from the bondage you are living in. Does that require choices and decisions and sacrifices to be made, yup. But believe me, it is so worth it. 

He will gladly lead you into a life where you walk in His love and when you do that, you continue to step closer and closer into the fullness, power and beauty of who He created YOU to be. 

(If you are someone who is wanting to take that step, perhaps find out more or maybe you just don’t know where to start....please message me. I walked most of my life in bondage. And Jesus left the 99 to find me....He is ready to do the same for you. And I am here to help in any way I can. ❤️)

29. Be on Guard

Written April 16, 2020

I had a dream where I was a bystander watching this scene play out in front of me:

It was very mountainous. The feeling in the air carried joy and hope. Many people were gathered. There was a young man probably mid 20s-clean, kind, humble and as I watched him interact with the other people, I could feel his walk with Christ radiating from him; with a warm smile on his face, he walked around introducing himself to the others there. 

Directly in front of me sat a quieter person. It was not clear to me if this person was male or female but as I looked on, it was intently watching the man make his rounds. In a split second, I noticed the eyes turned solid black before turning back to normal revealing that it was not a person at all but a demon. Immediately after I saw this, the young man walked over and extended his hand out for an introductory handshake. 

The hand of the young man that was reaching out to who, he thought, was a person on the ground, became the robed arm of Jesus Christ reaching down to help. I saw the demon flinch and shirk back in intimidation, disgust and fear- never taking the hand. (“You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that-and shudder.” James 2:19 NIV) As it did, the young man still had his hand extended but as he leaned in, I noticed a type of talisman hanging from the young man’s neck. In my dream I recognized there was a tie to witch craft of some fashion although specifics were not given. Without any doubt, I understood the young man had no idea this talisman around his neck held a background in witchcraft as it was given to him at some point in his life. 

The demon was still crouching in fear from the Jesus in the man. (“Your right hand, O’Lord, is glorious in power; Your right hand, O Lord, shatters the enemy.” Exodus 15:6) But at that point in my dream, the demon also saw the talisman and as soon as it did, without any hesitation it let out a piercing yell of excitement and almost like a war call. A new bit of courage and strength filled the demon and it was no longer trying to get away from the man. (However, I was the only one who heard and saw this change-to everyone else it still looked like a person on the ground.)

The mountains began to move, and above the young man (who was still beautifully speaking to people) a giant cliff formed directly over his head. In the middle of the cliff from the top all the way down, a crack opened up leaving a clear path to the man standing unaware below. Millions of demon like creatures scrambled up the sides of the cliffs and threw themselves into the crack as if jumping into a swimming pool. I watched them fall all the way down and were absorbed by the man below. 

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I believe the talisman in my dream represented the known or the unknown strongholds we deal with as we walk this earth as well as demonic activities we blindly (or willingly) walk in. One-just one is enough to send out an open invitation to the enemy who is waiting for his chance to send us into a downward spiral of destruction should we choose to ignore it, ultimately putting the devil’s plan into action. The enemy doesn’t care about our story or if we know or do not know the truth about spiritual warfare. Give the enemy an opening: whether a small crack or a wide open door, I assure you he will take it. (Jesus says in John 10:10 “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy…”)

It says in the Bible many times “Be on guard…” indicating there is something trying to sneak past our gates: 

“Therefore, [let me warn you] beloved, knowing these things beforehand, be on your guard so that you are not carried away by the error of unprincipled men [who distort doctrine] and fall from your own steadfastness [of mind, knowledge, truth, and faith.]” 2 Peter 3:17

“But be on guard, so that your hearts are not weighed down and depressed with he giddiness of debauchery and the nausea of self-indulgence and the worldly worries of life, and then that day [when the Messiah returns]will not come on you suddenly like a trap” Luke 21:34

Be on guard to know truth and stand firm in that truth:

“Be on guard; stand firm in your faith [in God, respecting His precepts and keeping your doctrine sound]. Act like [mature] men and be courageous; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

“All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17 

Be on guard, not just for oneself but for the sake of others:

“Pay attention and always be on guard [looking out for one another]! If your brother sins and disregards God’s precepts, solemnly warn him; and if he repents and changes, forgive him.” Luke 17:3

“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies , and the like. I warn you, as I did before that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:16-21

We do not live at the mercy of our enemy. Jesus came to give us freedom from those strongholds. (“…I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, til it overflows].” John 10:10) But fellow believers, we must lift our voices. We must continue speaking. We must share the story Jesus gave us to tell. “One night the Lord said to Paul in a vision, Do not be afraid anymore, but go on speaking and do not be silent.” Acts 18:9

“And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs],but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]. Romans 12:2

28. Unanswered Questions

Written April 15, 2020

As I walked out of the downtown hospital after a follow up appointment with my infectious disease doctor, nearly nine months ago, we walked past a man in the hallway. Witnesses were all standing at a distance, either giving them space or watching as six medical professionals were tending to him all wearing masks. He was grotesquely skinny. I personally have never witnessed anyone who looked like a skeleton with skin and I felt the death that was so near to him. It shook me. My heart raced and broke all at the same time. I could barely sort through what was happening. I did not know this man’s story, nor did it matter to me. I saw a another human being suffering. And I was walking away from an appointment that just told me that death should had taken me the month prior. I did all I could to keep myself from having a panic attack right there on the sidewalk as we waited for our car. The silent tears began to slide down my cheeks and I quickly swiped them away so Adam wouldn’t have to ask (again) if I was ok. 

And I did the only thing I knew I could do in that moment: I prayed for that man. I wanted to hug him and tell Him everything would be alright. I wanted to make sure He knew how much Jesus loved him….but how could I say that when He was suffering so? Was it really fair of me, to begin telling people that Jesus loves them when their miracle didn’t come and may never? Emotional and spiritual agony hit me hard that day. 

Over the last ten months, I have become more aware of suffering and death. Stories of silence, struggles and grief. I’ve known people who have died from cancer and other accidents. I have heard the journeys of health issues of those who are still dealing with them after years of suffering. I have learned of stories of death and abuse as many still walk in the memory of those past events. I have sat in the dentist chair as the hygienist looked over my charts to say “Sepsis! I knew someone whose child died of sepsis.” And began a conversation about the agony and journey of that family who lost a loved one to the same illness that nearly killed me. I have heard a second story of a friend’s dear friend who also died of sepsis within only hours of showing symptoms. 

Each and every time, I crumble inside. 

I suppose it was never a question as to why it happened to me-I never blamed God but I did find myself asking the question why was I still alive? Early on I tried to reason through this. But the truth is, I still do not have answers to the hardest questions of all and at the same time, I don’t believe they are for me to answer. I don’t know why any of us go through what we go through. HOWEVER, I do believe with all my heart that the love of Jesus is not about what circumstance we find ourselves in. 

Love is enduring.

Love is pure.  

Love is relentless in the midst of any circumstance. 

I also believe that God’s plans are better than any plans we can make for ourselves and I know without a doubt that He takes what the enemy means for evil and turns it for good, but it does not go without a willingness and effort on our parts to lean on Him and allow Him to guide us through whatever journey we are walking through. He WILL get you through it….just know that the details of that journey are not ones we often expect and they are often not easy.

27. In the Details

Written April 14, 2020

When I first started going to church, I realized I didn’t have a Bible. I remember early on, over hearing one lady in particular recommend ”The Busy Mom’s Bible” as she pulled hers out of her bag to show someone. I made note to look for it the next time I was at the store, but what really caught my eye was the condition her Bible was in. 

It was well worn and visibly used over and over again. I remember looking at it in wonder trying to figure out how a Bible gets to look like that and how long it had to have taken. As I picked up my brand new perfectly pink copy from the store a few days later, I looked at it in pristine condition and as I stood in the isle, I decided right then and there it was going to be the only time my Bible would look that way-clean, crisp and perfect. 

Do you have a Bible that shows your faith walk? A Bible that you have written the sweet words the Holy Spirit has whispered to your heart? A Bible that has verses highlighted, underlined, starred and circled because He was REALLY driving in His point during that particular season? A Bible where little hands wanted a turn with your “special book” and in their excitement ripped pages that are now tapped back together? A Bible that when you pull it out of your bag on a Sunday morning, the look of worn love the cover displays is enough to perhaps influence another to not only buy a Bible for themselves but read it regularly? 

Sometimes I think we believe we must be filled with amazing words to make a difference-having scripture memorized and prayers perfect. Or perhaps it falls into what we outwardly do that will change all things. The number of hours we put in serving or the workload we take on. The way we can smile big and carry the positive attitude. 

But I believe that most of the time, it is actually in the details-the seemingly tiny details. The details of your walk (without knowing anyone is watching) that leaves the biggest impact to the heart God placed in front of you. You may never know what effect those tiny details will leave or on whom-but trust me, it is those tiny details God uses in the BIGGEST of ways.

26. STEP

Written April 3, 2020 REPOST

STEP
”Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body-whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free-and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.” 1 Corinthians 12:12-14

I feel like He is calling HIS body of Christ to STEP. He is calling HIS body to UNIFY. Each and every person who calls Him Lord-lay down your excuses! Take the step. Take the step into the place He has prepared for you.” 

“Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were a ear, where would the sense of smell be?” 1 Corinthians 12: 15-17

Quit trying to be the hand when you are a foot! Quit trying to be the ear when you are an eye! Embrace the call HE has placed on your life. Stop resisting. STEP into your position in the body. God has moved many over the last few years-this is not by chance. He has moved HIS children into position. Into position for what HE has planned. 

“But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is there are many parts, but one body.” 1 Corinthians 12:18-20

UNIFY! Many have said ‘The church is not four walls!’ But what are you letting consume you right now at this very moment? Is it HIS name? Is it HIS peace? Is it HIS hope? Is it HIS love? This church whose four walls have now disappeared -who say they walk beyond those walls....what words are coming from your mouth? What life are you putting on display for all to see? Is it chaos? Is it fear? Is it anxiety? Is it criticism? 

WHERE IS THE UNIFIED CHURCH?! The one whom we speak of? The one that goes beyond the four walls?

“The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”...But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.“ 1 Corinthians 12: 21-26

Let those with ears HEAR. Let those with eyes SEE. May the bondage and blindness fall away. STEP. God has placed you here in this moment where you are. Apostles STEP. Prophets STEP. Teachers STEP. Gifts of healing STEP. Gifts of guidance STEP. Gifts of tongues STEP. Pastors STEP. Worship STEP. Encouragement STEP. Servants STEP. Leadership STEP. 

Church STEP.

STEP TOGETHER. STEP IN UNISON. STEP IN TRUTH. STEP into the spot He has prepared for you. Jesus was never meant to be a Sunday only person. 

”Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.“ 1 Corinthians 12:27

25. God’s warriors

(artist unknown)

Last night, the Lord lay on my heart to pray for those who walk alone. Perhaps it is a physical aloneness but perhaps it is the emotional and mental aloneness. For me, surrounded by loved ones yet feeling completely and totally alone was (and is) the hardest place to walk. 

I was a trauma victim. But something that really caught my attention early on was how quickly the world wanted me to believe there was something wrong with me- by painting the picture of an unavoidable fate of depression in the most loving way imaginable. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do this to yourself. You can’t help it. This is just part of it.”

It was as if depression was being handed to me on a silver platter before I even walked out of the doors of the hospital. I heard more about the depression I would surely face than I did the actual details of my illness. For months on end every healthcare provider I came in contact with warned me I would be depressed, inviting me to fill out forms at every visit to see where I ranked on the depression scale. I heard commercial after commercial for medication being offered as if it were candy to children. I noticed just how much depression and the mention of hides around every corner. Many friends and family reached out (some without even knowing the details of what I was going through-only knowing I was sick) with concern to warn me of the likelihood I would be depressed and struggling over the coming months. Perhaps they had experience in knowing and understanding what that looked like: for themselves or a loved one. I know the doctors were just doing their jobs and I do not believe anyone was being harmful on purpose and many were reaching out with good intentions and a genuine amount of concern because of how much these things have taken over homes and lives today, causing much devastation. But more often than not, I found little comfort in the well intended warnings and seemingly strange invitation to let depression in as part of my new “normal”. Instead, I found myself on my knees renouncing the call of depression over my life- again and again.

I am not someone who will ever tell you emotions are easy. I am not someone who will ever tell you to pretend like everything is ok and all you have to do is look on the bright side. I won’t even tell you I have an easy solution. I hit some dark times over my life-especially over this last year. After sepsis, I walked through the medical definition of PTSD, anxiety and depression according the world’s definition. I am someone who laid in bed with no will or desire to get up-wondering what kind of mom I was that would rather sleep the day away instead of see her beautiful children. I looked at my life I got to come home to and could see the amazing things that lay in front of me but I could feel no joy. I have heard the evil whisper in my ear suggesting that I would one day commit suicide because it would just be too much to handle. The hopelessness of even trying. The fear of failing. The devastation my physical body was going through. The sadness I felt I was bringing to others around me. The flashbacks, dreams and triggers that hit out of nowhere. The downward spiral I felt I had no control of….This stuff is no joke. I’m not saying that PTSD, anxiety and depression don’t exist. But friends, believe me, it isn’t from God. Yes, by medical standards I was diagnosed on paper but I knew by my walk in faith this was not the diagnoses God had for me. 

My therapist pointed out that those who are active in their faith statistically have a “easier” time recovering from a trauma, or walking through anxiety and depression. And as he said that to me, my heart felt like it was being ripped to pieces. I knew what I was walking through and if that was an “easier time” I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around the people who were walking through theirs without Christ. 

So if you are someone who is struggling with any or all (or more) of those things whether you have a relationship with Jesus or not, here is my message to you: I am not telling you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. And if you are seeing a doctor or counselor, taking medication or other, please do not hear me wrong: I am NOT calling for you to abandon any of those things. But what I am telling you is that YOU ARE NOT WEAK. What I am telling you is THERE IS HOPE. In my darkest moments the only way I can tell you I walked through it even with the help of others, was by the power of the Lord Jesus Christ-one (sometimes grueling) step at a time. The chain of depression is the enemy’s way of keeping one of God’s warriors in prison. 

You are one of God’s warriors. 

YOU ARE VALUABLE. 

YOU ARE LOVED. 

JESUS SEES YOU. 

And He wants to help you. No one can create your life with Jesus for you, but YOU have the power within you to begin your walk with Him. 

Lord Jesus,
You hear your children cry to you. You see your children when they try to hide their tears. No part of our hearts go unnoticed by you. I invite you into the rooms and hearts reading this today Lord. I pray your Spirit is felt by anyone present. The saturation of your love is full and deep and pure. Speak truth into the hearts and minds reading this Lord. Truth about who they are. Silence the voice of the enemy in the name of Jesus. Let us renounce the call of bondage over our lives that the world is so willing to tell us we will walk in. Trauma has no hold on us and I pray we all begin to walk in the freedom you died for. I break any chains of depression off in Jesus name. I break the chains of anxiety in Jesus name. I break any chains of PTSD in Jesus name. Fill us with your truth! May we turn to you instead of away from you, knowing that it is you and you alone that will break the chains that keep us in bondage. No human, no doctor, no expert is capable of doing that. We thank you so much for putting people in our lives to help us through times that are hard. Give us courage to not hide from that help but take one step at a time as we trust you a little more each day. May your words of truth take root in our hearts, and anything else wither and die as it falls at our feet. We need you now Lord, show us where to begin. Show us where to go next and may our eyes always be open to see you.
By the authority and power of Jesus Name-AMEN

24. Fear Had Me. God Saved Me.

This… was me.I was a college student doing a self portrait for my photography class. As I tried to brainstorm ways to illustrate who I was in one photograph, this was all I could see…This was who I had become. This was all I knew. This was how I walked my life for as long as I could remember. 

Let me introduce you to my life that was undeniably overrun with fear. Night after night I would lay in my bed as a child and the most terrifying thoughts would play through my head-images of things that surprise me to this day. Scenarios, sicknesses, devastation-it never ended and I never found a place of peace. My mom and dad would comfort me if I expressed what was on my mind. But more often than not, I would silently sit all by myself in the pool of fear I had grown accustomed to. This was just my “normal”.
As I grew up, Fear continued to grow as well. It gripped my life in a choke hold. In every way possible my life was controlled by this ever growing spirit-even in the good moments, it somehow convinced me there were things to be afraid of there too. No part of my life was left untouched. 

Walking through the doors of a church in 2014 was terrifying to say the very least. I was starting this adventure alone with my two kids at the time, walking into a space where I knew no one. Even though many things changed for me after that day, the fear did not. For years after, I still carried this baggage with me. It morphed into new fears with each season of my life. My children were an easy target…the smallest thought sent me into a spiral and on more than one occasion I would find myself sitting in their rooms at night because I was afraid to let them out of my sight. Simple tasks like eating in front of people sent me into a panic. I was always quiet but eventually I never wanted to be around anyone more than I had to. Even at church, I would avoided talking to people and eye contact didn’t happen if I could help it. I was that person who would leave after service as quickly as I could (preferably unnoticed) Day after day iImages would continuously flash through my head that would leave me in a hopeless bondage. 

I can’t tell you there was any “ah ha” moment for me. What I can tell you is that little by little, step by step, Jesus walked with me. He peeled away layer after layer and replaced it with His truth and love. “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalms 34:4 Slowly the chain of fear began to break and one link at a time, it fell to the ground. In 2016 when I made the choice to be baptized, I was finally able to stand in front of my church family and declare that I was no longer walking a life of fear but I was walking in the freedom that Jesus died for. The final cuff around my wrists fell to the ground that day as I spoke those words out loud.

Friends, I won’t tell you that the familiar knock on my door doesn’t happen often. What I can tell you is by the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit who walks with me, I can recognize that knock and refuse to answer. I can tell you that it is in His strength that I can stand on the promises in the Bible (that can only be found by reading it often) and know the battle has already been won at the cross. I can tell you that in the moments fear tries to sneak in, I can claim the freedom Jesus died for and watch fear run for the hills by the power of the name JESUS. “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and no t grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

YOU do not have to live in fear. No matter what is happening around us-yesterday, today or tomorrow, God’s Word is true. I have walked it and so can you. Call on him today. Call out his name. Let HIM do what you have perhaps tried to do over and over again without success on your own… It is HIS power and HIS power alone that breaks chains. 

Over the years, I have come across this picture and contemplated throwing it out. But it is a constant reminder of the very real prison I once lived in, in comparison to the very real freedom where I now walk. That is a something I never want to throw away.

“He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.” Psalms 107:14