28. Unanswered Questions

Written April 15, 2020

As I walked out of the downtown hospital after a follow up appointment with my infectious disease doctor, nearly nine months ago, we walked past a man in the hallway. Witnesses were all standing at a distance, either giving them space or watching as six medical professionals were tending to him all wearing masks. He was grotesquely skinny. I personally have never witnessed anyone who looked like a skeleton with skin and I felt the death that was so near to him. It shook me. My heart raced and broke all at the same time. I could barely sort through what was happening. I did not know this man’s story, nor did it matter to me. I saw a another human being suffering. And I was walking away from an appointment that just told me that death should had taken me the month prior. I did all I could to keep myself from having a panic attack right there on the sidewalk as we waited for our car. The silent tears began to slide down my cheeks and I quickly swiped them away so Adam wouldn’t have to ask (again) if I was ok. 

And I did the only thing I knew I could do in that moment: I prayed for that man. I wanted to hug him and tell Him everything would be alright. I wanted to make sure He knew how much Jesus loved him….but how could I say that when He was suffering so? Was it really fair of me, to begin telling people that Jesus loves them when their miracle didn’t come and may never? Emotional and spiritual agony hit me hard that day. 

Over the last ten months, I have become more aware of suffering and death. Stories of silence, struggles and grief. I’ve known people who have died from cancer and other accidents. I have heard the journeys of health issues of those who are still dealing with them after years of suffering. I have learned of stories of death and abuse as many still walk in the memory of those past events. I have sat in the dentist chair as the hygienist looked over my charts to say “Sepsis! I knew someone whose child died of sepsis.” And began a conversation about the agony and journey of that family who lost a loved one to the same illness that nearly killed me. I have heard a second story of a friend’s dear friend who also died of sepsis within only hours of showing symptoms. 

Each and every time, I crumble inside. 

I suppose it was never a question as to why it happened to me-I never blamed God but I did find myself asking the question why was I still alive? Early on I tried to reason through this. But the truth is, I still do not have answers to the hardest questions of all and at the same time, I don’t believe they are for me to answer. I don’t know why any of us go through what we go through. HOWEVER, I do believe with all my heart that the love of Jesus is not about what circumstance we find ourselves in. 

Love is enduring.

Love is pure.  

Love is relentless in the midst of any circumstance. 

I also believe that God’s plans are better than any plans we can make for ourselves and I know without a doubt that He takes what the enemy means for evil and turns it for good, but it does not go without a willingness and effort on our parts to lean on Him and allow Him to guide us through whatever journey we are walking through. He WILL get you through it….just know that the details of that journey are not ones we often expect and they are often not easy.