45. New Perspective

 New perspective. I have wanted to use this picture for many things since taking it weeks ago. Each time I tried to piece it with one of my thoughts, the connection just didn’t fit and it felt forced. So I held onto it. And waited…

This weekend I was at a conference. It was a life giving powerful movement of the Holy Spirit-nothing like I have ever been a part of before. In just one day, six people approached me to either pray for me or give me a prophetic word. SIX. Friends, I have been encouraged throughout the years with compliments from others (that which I am very grateful for), and some may have spoken prophetically without even knowing it, but in the six years I have been a follower of Jesus, I have never been loved on by the big C church the way I was this past weekend. Many churches today do not walk in the prophetic. Some don’t even emphasize prayer but in the six years I have walked with the Lord, it was the first time the Church was speaking personally into my life allowing the Holy Spirit’s words to flow to me. And I realize, THIS. This is what church is meant to be. We (the followers of Jesus) are meant to speak His life giving words into others individually-not just depending on a message from the pulpit.

But here’s the thing about what was spoken over me: Every single word was from someone I didn’t know (other than one person) and they hit on a very real, very difficult point of my life. Every single word addressed lies that I was believing about myself and my situations. The Lord was there to correct the lies with HIS truth and He spoke through others to do it. He wanted me to see me through His eyes….no longer my own.

Then one of the speakers told us to close our eyes and ask the Lord this question: “Lord, how do you see me?” Immediately I hear the word “Meek” and my heart sank. In my mind meek=mouse like; timid; One who is weak and hides. But I know I hear from the Lord so I took the word ‘meek’ and looked it up. The actual definition of meek is “quiet, gentle and easily imposed on; submissive.” I liked quiet and gentle. I could embrace that as positive qualities but the other two were hard for me to accept-especially submissive. I thought about all the things we encounter here on this earth and how being submissive felt like yet another weakness. But the Lord wasn’t done with me yet…. so I typed “submissive” into the Bible app on my phone.

“I will walk (in submissive wonder) before the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalms 116:9

“Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness; Tremble (in submissive wonder) before Him, all the earth.” Psalms 96:9

Scripture after scripture followed with the words ‘submissive wonder’……and I felt the negative weight I put on the word “submissive” literally melt off of me.

My point my friends, is so often we can look at things and situations right in front of us and decide what they mean. We can look at ourselves and others and make the assumptions we want about who we are and who they are. We can even hear words from the Lord (like I did) and put our own definition on it.

If we do not take off our glasses; if we do not let HIM correct our way of thinking, our way of approaching life; the way we see others; the way we see ourselves; And if we do not start acting like the Church God intended us to be, others will never get to experience who He truly is and we will never be able to step into the fullness of what God wants to do in and through us.

Let Him correct your vision. He is preparing His Church to unleash His power on earth in the days to come. And it starts by laying down our own glasses, stepping into HIS perspective and choosing to walk in HIS truth.

#DoubleFistedFaith #prophetic #HolySpirit #newperspective #takeoffyourglasses #throughHISeyes

44. Love me until I’m me again...

 “Love me until I’m me again.”

I remember following Adam outside as he was leaving for work a few weeks into my recovery. I had not yet begun to see a therapist and was navigating through all the lingering physical, emotional and mental side effects that came from the sudden illness and hospital stay that I had experienced after I had Luke.

This particular day there were a few things on the calendar-not a lot by any means. But a few things that required a bit of coordination on our parts. So....

What we did:

Adam and I had a conversation and he helped lay out the game plan on how we would make everything work smoothly and easily.

What it did to me:

It felt as if I was driving a vehicle full speed on a windy mountain road and then as if out of nowhere the music turns to static and the sun hits the windshield just perfectly. Instantly I’m blinded as I realize there was no hope to see through the yellow-orange brilliance of the sun. And it’s the scene right before the car veers off course, goes airborne and flips over and over and over again. The recogniztion of fear and panic to know your life is just about to end and there is nothing you can do to stop it....

Now, whether Adam could see the beginnings of the invisible battle that day or not, I do not know. But as I followed him to the car after only a few hours of being awake for the day, it was already too much. The physical pain intensified, I couldn’t breath, my mind was spinning, I couldn’t think and any composure I had left disappeared as I crumbled in his arms sobbing “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry. This isn’t me. This isn’t me.” And he stood there, holding me until I had enough strength to stand on my own again.

If you have never experienced PTSD yourself, it is not something anyone can ever describe to give a clear understandIng of what it is like. Nothing makes sense when you are walking in such darkness and there is no end in sight. It is an intense spiritual battle trying to destroy you from the inside out. ....it is truly evil.

But truth be told, the one walking in PTSD is not the only one the devil sets his sights on. Family, friends, loved ones, just like mine, were all targets of the enemy too. No one is exempt in this world. But please know that the Lord has given each and every one of us a special kind of strength during times that are the hardest in our lives. He sees you. He hears your cries and sees your tears.

Take heart in knowing that we can trust in the one who is ”Stronger than the storm,“ (as the top necklace in the picture says).....sometimes I think we mistakenly think that we are the ones it is talking about. But I don’t believe it is. I pray no matter where you are today, and no matter what you are facing, you will come to see that the truth of the matter is, we are not stronger than the storm....But the storm is no match for our God and He will walk you through it.

To my own family and friends, I sincerely say, “Thank you”. To everyone who walked along with me.....Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for filling in the smiles when I couldn’t find mine.

And to my husband: Thank you for loving me...until I was me again.

#sepsissurvivor #DoubleFistedFaith

(I found this image online. I do not know who made this jewelry or who sells it. But as soon as I saw it, I broke down and sobbed as it illustrates such a huge part of what I believe many have or are walking through with PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and more)

43. Rest (again!)

 The Lord invited me to rest. Rest my voice. Rest my heart. Rest from social media... And more. Over the years, I have learned that the truth of God can bring conviction to make changes. These changes are accompanied by a deeper, more meaningful and fulfilled way of living. I have always tried to use the platform the Lord has given me for lifting others up the best I know how, pointing people back to HIM and encouraging those life changes to be made with Him. But even still, there is so much that is being presented on facebook by others that I have found incredibly draining and some days it was if I was being swept away with it all. Four words often went with that feeling: confusion, chaos, and guilt/shame. No matter how the author masks these messages with “awareness“ and “good intentions”, I assure you they are not messages from the Lord. The Holy Spirit does not speak to His people in such a way to promote confusion, chaos or guilt. It became quite overwhelming.

“Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30

So I felt as if I entered a quiet few weeks. I put down my writing pen, set aside the journal projects I was working on, stepped back from facebook, and closed my computer. Not because I needed the physical rest but because it was clear He was asking me to. I’ve learned that we can’t always expect to have the full picture before we decide to obey what He tells us, and honestly, this was not the first time He has taken me to this spot. A spot of setting all else aside except for Him. Truth be told, I find that it is still often hard for me to take that kind of time no matter the duration. But time and time again, the Lord shows me exactly why He wanted me here and what was needing to be addressed.

If the Lord is leading you into a season of restful behavior (whatever that looks like in your life) take it. It is not a sign of weakness as we tend to think. I often find that during these moments, He is not only healing any hurts and redefining our focus on Him, but He is also renewing our strength for what’s to come next.

”My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.“ Psalm 62: 1-2

42 Gather

This particular scripture has stuck with me for quite some time. Found in Acts 14:19 -20

“Then some Jews came from Antioch and Iconium and won the crowd over. They stoned Paul and dragged him outside the city, thinking he was dead. But after the disciples had gathered around him, he got up and went back into the city The next day he and Barnabas left for Derbe.”

Ok friends, we are walking in a time where the true gospel message needs to be preached without ceasing. But something that I always found myself questioning, is if my faith is strong enough to endure the physical persecution that the disciples did. I mean, no one wants to get beaten. And here we see that the crowd beat him so bad they thought he was dead. Ugh. But that wasn’t the end of the scene...

The next sentence really stopped me: “...But AFTER THE DISCIPLES GATHERED AROUND HIM, HE GOT BACK UP...” Now, we don’t actually know what the disciples did when they gathered around Paul-perhaps they offered medical aid, perhaps they prayed for healing or all of the above. But I think it is very important to note that they GATHERED AROUND HIM. They didn’t turn on him, they didn’t leave him for dead....they gathered.

We can all agree that opinions are coming at all angles. The more we watch the news, the more we are on social media, the more we read the articles, division is trying to take over and it is being fed to us by those who do not care about you or me. Christians are bashing Christians; Friends are Unfriending; Families are turning their backs; Neighbors are turning in neighbors....and it seems so many are quick to pick up a stone and throw it at another just because the world is providing the stones.

Can you imagine how different it would be if we gathered around those beaten and broken? Instead of being one of the stone throwers-be one of the gatherers. It was AFTER the disciples gathered that Paul was able to get back up. We need each other guys. We can’t be throwing stones and accusing and pointing fingers. We need to gather. We need to love. We need to be the ones who help people back up-whether they agree with our personal opinions or not. I truly believe, THIS is what the real ChristIan love looks like.

41. Because I love you....and He loves you more

I believe we are in a time where distraction is running wild. The ultimate ploy of the enemy is to keep our minds and hearts running in circles until we can no longer think clearly. The crazy thing about distraction is that we often don’t realize we are being distracted. The enemy wants us to be focused on things of this world-encouraging us to put our hope and faith into people and things that ultimately will fade away. 

Don’t let the noise distract you from the promise of eternity in heaven for those who choose to accept Jesus. Don’t let the noise distract you from finding out who He is. We all need to know that there is a God who loves us dearly and wants to see each person turn from the world and run into His arms. Every person needs to know that they have a choice; a choice of where we will spend eternity. Jesus died for YOU and me so that OUR sins may be forgiven. He suffered and after three days He defeated death and rose again and because of that, His resurrection power is alive and real and His power and authority is transferred to those who believe. Healing and miracles still happen; peace can still be found and hope is never lost.

I do not pretend to know it all or that I have figured it all out and I certainly won’t fake an understanding when there is none. But I have experienced enough struggle, challenge, judgement and conflict within myself, with others and situations in my lifetime. Because of this, I have recognized that we are prone to make mistakes and confusion, fear, offense and chaos is a game of the enemy-one that is so easy to step into and often we willingly accept it as “normal”. 

But with that, I have also experienced the true and pure nature of Jesus Christ. He has stepped in and healed situations that were beyond humanly fixing. I have witnessed and experienced His redeeming power; The cleansing that happens when we accept the gift of salvation He has waiting for us; The peace that comes in a world of uncertainties and unanswered questions when we step away from the he-said-she-said conversations and seek HIS truth. 

And because of such things, I will not put my faith in man nor rules, studies or opinions. But with careful consideration and prayer, at the end of the day, I choose to put my faith in the only one that remains steadfast and true. Jesus Christ. My truth is found in His word. He is my solid ground. I will proudly turn from the ways of this world and seek HIS kingdom and follow HIS command on my life. 

Whether my decisions are right or wrong, only the Lord can say. Truly I am doing my best to navigate this world, not only for me but for the five precious little humans God has given me. And I believe that many of you will say the same. Where is the grace for one another? I believe instead of fighting each other, we must recognize that at every angle, there is a spiritual battle raging and it’s for the hearts of ALL people. The enemy will stop at nothing to keep us from Jesus and he will use anyone and anything he can to do it…especially each other. 

I believe the Lord has put me here to remind you of how very precious you are to Him. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. He wants you. He may not always love our actions or our choices (again, we all fall short)….but the YOU I’m talking about, He loves dearly. And no one is ever too far from Him to return to the path of righteousness. 

We live in a wishy-washy world and I’m sure you can agree, it is exhausting. I want you to know, I’m tired too. I’m stretched beyond any stretching I want to do. And I can honestly say, that the only decision I have ever made that was an easy decision and one I have never regretted, was choosing to follow the Lord. No matter your circumstance and despite all the million decisions that must be made daily (many of which make people angry for one reason or another anyways) the only true decision that will matter in the end is if you will make Jesus Lord and Savior of YOUR Life or not. 

So in a world where everyone wants to be right about masks, and medicine, and color and vaccines, and police and rights, and school, and disease, and health, and experts, and articles and politics and religion, and numbers, and statistics… please know I am here when you need to rest. I am here when you need a safe place to talk. I will meet you in the laughter and I will cry right along with you my friend. I will pray FOR you. I will pray WITH you. I will seek answers to your questions from the only one who can give answers and walk with you as you do the same. And the only finger I want to be pointing is one that points you to Him. Because I love you so very very much…..but I know that He loves you more. 

40. “Come follow me...”

As I’m reading in the book of Matthew, I cannot help but be choked up. Simon, Andrew, James and John were called by the Savior. ”Come, follow me.” Was the invitation Jesus extended. And their response? They dropped EVERYTHING and followed Him-they didn‘t have to be persuaded. They didn’t have to think about it. They didn’t have to know what was in it for them. They didn’t need proof or a good reason. The invitation was there and they leapt at the chance. (read Matthew 4:18-22)

“As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon allied Peter and his. Brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.

Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.” 

My heart aches thinking about how often we do not respond with the same ‘all in’ attitude. There are even those who claim to know Jesus who still keep Him at arms length. 

Now, it is true that there was a time I didn’t know Him. For years, I shot down that beautiful invitation, but when I finally said yes to Jesus, I said yes with everything in me. And my life will never be the same. I cannot tell you enough how beautiful Jesus is. I cannot tell you enough how much He adores you. I cannot tell you enough how important you are to Him. And no matter how many times you may have already said ’no’, they day you say “YES” all of heaven will rejoice. There was a looong time I lived a life never believing these things and now I ugly cry thinking of all the beautiful people who do not know how precious they truly are-because they do not know who HE is. 

He’s not trying to trick you and I’m not trying to trick you either. Your life can literally be changed by one decision you make:accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior. No, I am not claiming a quick fix to the troubles of this life. But miraculous things happen when you go all in with Jesus. 

We will not be here on this earth forever. And no one knows when the Lord is coming back. Trust me when i say, where you will spend your eternity is not something you want to take lightly. In fact, there will come a time that you will no longer have the chance to accept His invitation. But right now....His hand is extended to YOU.

“Come, follow me” He says....

what will your answer be?

39. All the people were AMAZED

When we ask questions, almost always we are wanting an answer. Right? Very rarely do we actually ask a question that we are not hoping to find a answer that will bring us some kind of understanding, comfort or closure. Especially in today’s world, I encourage people to be asking a million questions. The Bible even tells us to hold everything up to the word of God and do not accept everything we hear. But here is a question that has been rolling around in my head....Why do we need answers? What tells us that we must know the “why?” And the “how?” When we are walking in a true relationship with the Lord, is it possible to walk a life with fewer questions and deeper trust? 

Don’t get me wrong, I do think there is a place for questions in our walk with Jesus-they can grow us and stretch us beyond where we would be if we didn’t ask those questions initially. But I got to wondering….sickness, miracles, healing. Is there really ever an “answer” to any of the questions we have revolving around these particular topics? Or perhaps, is the stretching and growing from the unanswered questions what forces us into a deeper intimacy of faith, trust, and hope with our Creator? I truly believe the Lord is looking for His people who are ready to say, YES! I trust you. YES! I believe. YES! I have faith…No matter what. Period. 

As I’ve mentioned before, I know my sepsis story does not define me but it certainly has grown me. This is yet another moment (a year later) where the Lord is still working on my heart. After I got sick, it was never a question as to why I got Strep A sepsis or even how I got Strep A sepsis….both of which still go unanswered today and probably will never be answered and I am at peace with that. The question that I wrestled with for so long was why was I able to walk out of the hospital…why am I still alive? Why have so many died from the same thing within hours? Why didn’t God call me home? 

While I was in the hospital, we were receiving very vague guidance and help from the doctors who were caring for me at the time. Eventually, I received a copy of my charts to confirm I was indeed “stage 3 severe sepsis/septic shock”. So as I continued on the journey of recovery, we reached out to friends and family in the medical field as well as a new group of doctors for further care. Perhaps we were still searching for answers, perhaps we needed some kind of closure. But ultimately, I wanted straight forward ‘please don’t tip toe around me anymore’ truth. Through these conversations and sharing my information with them, with compassion and a bit of sadness in their voices we heard them bluntly describe my condition while I was in the hospital as “knocking on death’s door” and “you were closer than you realize” and “you should have been life-flighted” and “it very easily could have gone the other way” among others…. As hard as it was to hear these things, I was so very thankful for honest answers. 

In combination with the realization of how bad it actually was, the memory struck me again and again that while in the hospital, the function of my legs fluctuated and there were times where I could not move my legs at all.….yet I WALKED out of the hospital only few days later. With all this knowledge and more, survivor guilt hit me hard and then came the deep need to know why I was kept alive. But in doing that, I stepped into my flesh. It wasn’t that I was intentionally questioning God or being ungrateful but instead I was trying to wrap my head around the logistics of it all. Give me a reason! Please!….I felt as if that reason has been left unanswered but if you ask the Lord to bring you revelation and trust He will do so, it WILL happen in His time. 

In the book of Luke, I was recently reading the story where a man brought his young son to Jesus to drive out a demon that was causing his son convulsions. In chapter 9:42 it says, “Even while the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the impure spirit, healed the boy and gave him back to his father. Verse 43 stopped me in my tracks: “AND THEY WERE ALL AMAZED AT THE GREATNESS OF GOD.” (My emphasis added) 

I finally understood. It was never about me. Praise God! It was never about me. I guess I always knew this but didn’t really acknowledge it. Even though I have read this story many times prior, it finally sunk in….miracles have NOTHING to do with us. The miracle I lived through was not about me, other than having the honor of my life being used to glorify the Savior. 

There was a point in the ER that the doctor literally walked into my room crossed his arms, and said, “I’m just going to watch you for another 30 minutes and see what happens.” The doctors did not save me, friends. God ultimately used them, this is true….but I was septic for over 36 hours before getting treated and towards the end of those 36 hours, doctors were watching me to see what would happen (because they didn’t actually know.) I was in stage 3 of 3 when I went into the ER that day. It was by the miracle of God that I lived while my fellow humans were trying to get their act together in the midst of scrambling because of a mistake they had made prior to my hospitalization. 

If you do not believe that healing and miracles still happen, I am here to tell you that they do. We must stop trying to explain them away. We must stop trying to give other things of this world credit for what God does in our lives. We must stop glorifying doctors and medicine instead of glorifying the ultimate Physician who is always in control. We must stop trying to water down the word of God. We do not need to make sense of what God does in our lives. We don’t need more answers. What this world needs more of is unquestionable FAITH. Unshakable TRUST. Unending HOPE. This world needs more people who will share the way the Lord has worked in their life, speaking testimonies that glorify the Father. Letting those testimonies sit there….in front of all to see. So ALL will be amazed at the greatness of God. 

In yet another book of the Bible, speaking to a man who He just healed, Jesus said in Mark 5:18-20, “… ‘Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.’ So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. 

AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE AMAZED.” 

(Emphasis added)