“Love me until I’m me again.”
I remember following Adam outside as he was leaving for work a few weeks into my recovery. I had not yet begun to see a therapist and was navigating through all the lingering physical, emotional and mental side effects that came from the sudden illness and hospital stay that I had experienced after I had Luke.
This particular day there were a few things on the calendar-not a lot by any means. But a few things that required a bit of coordination on our parts. So....
What we did:
Adam and I had a conversation and he helped lay out the game plan on how we would make everything work smoothly and easily.
What it did to me:
It felt as if I was driving a vehicle full speed on a windy mountain road and then as if out of nowhere the music turns to static and the sun hits the windshield just perfectly. Instantly I’m blinded as I realize there was no hope to see through the yellow-orange brilliance of the sun. And it’s the scene right before the car veers off course, goes airborne and flips over and over and over again. The recogniztion of fear and panic to know your life is just about to end and there is nothing you can do to stop it....
Now, whether Adam could see the beginnings of the invisible battle that day or not, I do not know. But as I followed him to the car after only a few hours of being awake for the day, it was already too much. The physical pain intensified, I couldn’t breath, my mind was spinning, I couldn’t think and any composure I had left disappeared as I crumbled in his arms sobbing “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry. This isn’t me. This isn’t me.” And he stood there, holding me until I had enough strength to stand on my own again.
If you have never experienced PTSD yourself, it is not something anyone can ever describe to give a clear understandIng of what it is like. Nothing makes sense when you are walking in such darkness and there is no end in sight. It is an intense spiritual battle trying to destroy you from the inside out. ....it is truly evil.
But truth be told, the one walking in PTSD is not the only one the devil sets his sights on. Family, friends, loved ones, just like mine, were all targets of the enemy too. No one is exempt in this world. But please know that the Lord has given each and every one of us a special kind of strength during times that are the hardest in our lives. He sees you. He hears your cries and sees your tears.
Take heart in knowing that we can trust in the one who is ”Stronger than the storm,“ (as the top necklace in the picture says).....sometimes I think we mistakenly think that we are the ones it is talking about. But I don’t believe it is. I pray no matter where you are today, and no matter what you are facing, you will come to see that the truth of the matter is, we are not stronger than the storm....But the storm is no match for our God and He will walk you through it.
To my own family and friends, I sincerely say, “Thank you”. To everyone who walked along with me.....Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for filling in the smiles when I couldn’t find mine.
And to my husband: Thank you for loving me...until I was me again.
(I found this image online. I do not know who made this jewelry or who sells it. But as soon as I saw it, I broke down and sobbed as it illustrates such a huge part of what I believe many have or are walking through with PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and more)
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