38. Blank Canvas

A few weeks ago marked a year of recovery after sepsis. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I don’t really even know why I was thinking I should be expecting anything. But the day came and went as uneventful as it could have been. In fact, it was almost so uneventful that it became eventful....is that even possible? 

I know that my journey of sepsis does not define me. But I truly believe it was a major turning point in my walk for a multitude of reasons. Either way, I believe it was a time that I really began to find my voice for the Lord. Truly stepping into the journey He had prepared me for.

During prayer one evening close to that year-end mark, I sat with my notebook out, pen ready, waiting on the Lord, expecting to hear from Him.....

silence. 

”Of all nights!” I remember thinking....posing the question to the Lord, “Why are you silent?!”

But all I saw was a blank canvas. I so badly wanted to paint something on that canvas. I didn‘t want it to be blank. But then the Lord reminded me of a gallery setting. One I often visited while in art school. Walking through admiring the works of art...some single pieces telling its very own individual story while others combining together to create a series of work. And the question came to my mind: If you could paint what you are currently walking through, what would it look like? What colors and shapes would you use? Would it be a part of a series or stand on its own? What would your gallery look like and how many pieces would the Lord be a part of?

I could look back and see piece after piece in my gallery representing my walk over the years. Season by season a new piece was added to the wall. But here I am standing in front of a blank canvas. As if my past year has officially become my past; A close to the year that tried so hard to take me down and define me. I was stretched and crushed and loved and healed. The Lord taught me so much over this past year-but the baggage of what happened to me physically is not meant to go with me for the next painting-only the lessons I was taught and the never ending love of Jesus. 

It is true that the Lord God is unpredictable. The way He speaks to our hearts is so very very beautiful. If you feel so inclined to create a piece of art representing what you are walking through right now, I would love for you to share it with me!

As for me, a blank canvas awaits...

37. Right Where We Are

Tea stained paper is a super simple process that gives regular white paper a more unique antique look. It’s super simple but also super slow so often times when it’s tea paper day, I get a little bit of help and a whole lot of mess! 

 When I would take time to work on my stuff, I used to get so worked up with a mix of crazy emotions. From feeling guilty for putting the kids in front of the tv or telling them “go play”; to the frustration of walking around the house afterwards to find that no room had been left untouched either by toys strewn about, or their own art projects they decided to work on....and clean up never happened all because I was distracted. 

On top of that, I would see posts from other successful stay at home/work from home business moms with perfectly constructed posts and pictures with the slogan “YOU CAN TOO!” And instead of feeling the encouragement I know I was supposed to feel, I would find myself thinking, ”yeah...uhhhhhh my life doesnt look that put together even when I have it all together! Let alone when I start working on things.“ 

Because of this, for years, I have avoided taking my work seriously. My identity became a stay at home mom with everything else put on hold. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a stay at home momma but I put the gift that God placed in my heart under a rock with a self written label that said, “don’t lift until kids are moved out.” And a deep sadness would settle in. 

Over the last few years, I have done a lot of reflecting and praying on this. There was a time a few months back that I literally packed everything art related that I owned into boxes and shoved them under the steps so I didn’t have to look at them. I was a mess. Then I realized....that’s exactly where me and my family shine. In the mess.

Things do not have to be pretty and perfect to be from the Lord. Just because it is hard or it is messy does not mean He wants you to let go of something He has placed on your heart. He knows where you are. And chances are if He has placed a dream in your heart, He also has a plan for you to accomplish that dream. What we need to do is let go of our “supposed to” expectations and allow Him to lead the way.

Some days all I get done is snuggles. Other days I finally fold the clean clothes that have been in the dryer since the week prior. And some days I get so much done I don’t even know how it was possible. The beautiful things is, when you trust God with your life, you are also trusting that He will provide you with all the time you need to get done exactly what He has on your list for that day...Even through the mess.

36. The Narrow Path

During a worship experience in my living room, I danced with the Lord. He led me and I willingly let Him take the lead. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are fighting for it until we feel what it is like to surrender it. Through the song, I felt myself swaying in His presence becoming more and more aware of letting Him speak to my heart as my own thoughts and feelings began to diminish.

As the next song began to play, praise and worship flowed. In my mind I saw a narrow path in the middle of an open field. There were some people already walking on the the path while others were joining them periodically, seemingly from out of nowhere.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14

As people continued to walk along the narrow road and more people joined, I noticed that despite how full the path already was, when someone else joined, there was still plenty of room. There was no crowding and no expansion of the path itself. It remained narrow but there was always enough room for the new feet that joined.

As I saw this incredibly peaceful scene lay out in front of me,  I felt the invitation- an invitation He laid on my heart to all those who do not know Him yet:

Step onto the path. Although it is narrow, there is ALWAYS room for everyone who chooses to step on!

If you have never asked Jesus into your heart, there is no better time. You do not have to be in front of an audience to make this life changing decision. And if that is you-He sees you right now. Right where you are. And He is after your heart. All you have to do is say YES to Him. Step onto the path. Turn from your ways and the ways of this world and give the Lord control of the life He has blessed you with.

 A simple yet powerful prayer we each should be praying today and everyday is found in Psalms 25:4 “Show me your ways Lord, teach me your paths.”

And if you want to know more about what it means to give your life to Jesus please reach out to me! I would be honored to walk this path with you. But no matter your decision, please know there is ALWAYS enough room for you.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14

As I continued to meditate on this image, I noticed that no one was standing still. Every single person was moving. Again it was peaceful, no one was exhausted or tired but it was also clear that everyone was continuing to walk forward along the path.

I do not believe that our work is done just by stepping onto the path and accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Obviously that is the first step. But even when we step onto the path, we are expected to continue to pursue Him. Continue to be teachable with open hearts. Continue to learn who He is and ask for our eyes to be opened to His ways. Continue to repent and turn away from the world’s ways while continuing to go the distance for His kingdom until we are called home.

If you are already on that narrow path, and perhaps have veered off course or maybe you’ve gotten tired and have needed to sit down, or maybe that fire you once had really has faded significantly, rest assured He sees you too. And He loves you. Allow Him to help you back up. Allow Him to steer you back to the straight and narrow. He is the one who gives us strength when we are weary. He gives us strength to continue on the narrow path. He knows that life can be hard, but He certainly does not expect  you to walk it alone.

“My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways.” Proverbs 23:26

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

35. Momma Bear Mad

I have a shirt that reads “Momma Bear” on the front and I think it is safe to say that when I wear that shirt, I consider it a fair warning to anyone who may come in contact with me and my children. Just a subtle, “don’t mess with my babies; Yes I’m smiling now but one wrong move....” warning.

ok so that doesn’t actually go through my head when I wear the shirt. But I certainly do think we allllllllll know that you do NOT mess with a momma bear’s cubs...amiright?! 

I look at what is happening in this world and the way that so many beautiful people are being torn up and hurt and pushed and pulled and accused and abused and that momma bear instinct kicks in. No, it is not in a maternal way, obviously. But I tell you what, it sure is in a spiritual way. 

I am so tired of the deceptive tactics of the enemy. I am so tired of seeing him drag people through the mud and watch and laugh as we point the fingers and turn on one another. I am so tired of the spirit of offense sneaking into every.single.conversation that we may have. I am so tired of the lie he whispers that so many are believing. The lie that says WE are the ones that need to find the solution but somehow even many people of faith have forgotten that it is ONLY the LORD who has the solution and it’s by the Power of the Holy Spirit that hearts will change. I’m tired of seeing the enemy convince people that their opinion is more important to be heard than the Word of God. I’m tired of seeing these battles being created between men vs women; black vs. white; republican vs. democrat; PEOPLE VS PEOPLE but somehow the spiritual battle is forgotten. 

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

Satan will not give up. He wants to destroy you, he wants to destroy me, and he wants to destroy everyone and everything around us.....and it makes me MOMMA BEAR MAD!!!! 

I believe there is A POWERFUL SPIRITUAL instinct in each and every one of us. It is time to get mad the right way. If you are a follower of Christ, you DO have the Spirit of God within you. Walk with confidence in the authority Jesus has given you. The enemy can take us in our flesh, but flees when the Word of God is spoken. Worship MORE! Pray MORE! Love MORE! Read the Bible MORE! Pray with others. Pray for others. Ask God what to do. Spend time with Him. Wait. Listen. Be teachable to HIS ways (not the worlds). Friends it’s time we get serious. Enough is enough.

“Such is the confidence and steadfast reliance and absolute trust that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficiently qualified in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency and qualifications come from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

34. Just because you don’t see it...

Have you ever sat down to watch a plant grow? I can’t imagine it would be very exciting. Adam and I were outside looking at our aquaponics and I had made a comment how it didn’t seem like the plants were growing very quickly. And what Adam said next was TOTALLY the Holy Spirit speaking through Him: 

“Just because you can’t see it growing, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If you put a camera out here, you would see just how much they are growing every single day.” 

Not long after that day outside with Adam, I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about how far we had come from where we were a year ago in our walk with Jesus and how we were dealing with the things of life around us. But also expressing a level of frustration and sadness that in the day to day we still aren’t where our mind tells us we should be (especially when we start comparing ourselves to other people). Have you ever felt this way too? Immediately the words that Holy Spirit spoke through Adam hit me again. 

“Just because you can’t see it growing, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If you put a camera out here, you would see just how much they are growing every single day.” 

Listen friends,
🌱IF we are walking with a pure heart (“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10)...we are growing

🌱IF we are seeking the Lord through prayer, worship and reading the Bible (“Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually [longing to be in His presense] 1 Chronicles 16:11)...we are growing

🌱IF we are teachable and leave room to make changes and corrections in our life when we fall short (“What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8)...we are growing.

🌱IF we are putting in the effort to make ourselves available to HIM (“Choose for yourself this day whom you will serve…” Joshua 24:15)…

We. Are. Growing. 

We may not get to measure it in a tangible way and there are certainly going to be days where you feel as if you have gone backwards instead of forwards (trust me, that is growth too!) but there will come a day that you will look back on your life, perhaps the year in review and see just how far you have come. You may not be able to see your growth for what it is, but the Lord does. And trust me, He is moving in BIG ways. (I often times think that our small is actually His BIG!)

Do not give up. Keep your focus on Him. Continue to open your heart. Continue to let Him teach you and guide you. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. You ARE growing. 

“Blessed [joyful, nourished by God’s goodness] are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness [those who actively seek right standing with God], for they will be [completely] satisfied.” Matthew 5:6

“Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14

33. Small

Written May 30, 2020

Small: adjective
1. Of a size that is less than normal or usual
2. Insignificant; unimportant

Perspective: noun
1. A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view

There have been plenty of times in my life I have deemed something small-by either definition. Perhaps it is physically in size or the perceived importance. And as soon as I do, the significance of that thing starts to dwindle. Are you guilty of this too? That so often we walk the “go big or go home!” Perspective. I honestly don’t even know where it comes. There were even times growing up, I had to remind myself that being small In height was not a bad thing! 

Over the years, God has placed me in the small-I believe that God loves the small. It is in the small where He can move in HUGE ways. It is OUR perspective that can make small seem insignificant. And honestly, there was a pivotal moment early on in my faith walk that was so incredibly “small” by our definition but so incredibly huge by God’s. 

I was visiting a family farm on my husband’s side. Real. Genuine. Hard working people. And of all the things I remember that day, eight words have stuck with me for literally years. I believe these eight words were what shaped so much of my walk although at the time, I didn’t realize it. But as I was standing talking with the Aunt who owned the farm, my niece came over followed by the rest of the kids and began to speak of zombies (I don’t remember why this came up in conversation, but I have also learned making sense of childhood conversation is sometimes impossible!) But as she spoke, my heart raced-being a new Christian I was eager to speak truth into the childhood fears and I was ready to face this head on. But the sweet smile of Aunt Lori stopped me, as she listened intently to the children. And when they were done, without missing a beat she said, “Hold on to Jesus-He’s all you’ll ever need.” Still with a gentle smile on her face. The kids ran away and our conversation continued as if nothing interrupted it. 

Often times, I find myself seeking explanation. Sometimes as I write, I catch myself over explaining my thoughts in hopes that no one will miss the point I am trying to make. I think of sermons and speeches that leave that “WOW!” Factor and people talking about it for months and the way it changed their lives. The go big or go home mentality hits in ways sometimes I don’t even recognize. But what I learned that day was beautiful. It was simple. It was Jesus. The truth is, the most impactful thing I have heard so far in my six years as a Christ follower didn’t come from a preacher; It didn’t come from a group study or a worship experience; It didn’t come from a well known author or tv show. It came from a humble dairy cow farmer-a beautiful mother -dirt stained clothes and tough stained hands- it came from a woman whose daily life represents Christ- a woman whose gentle and sweet smile reached her eyes in ways I have never seen- it came from a response to a ten year old’s zombie fears. 

“Hold onto Jesus. He’s all you’ll ever need.”

32. September 2019

This is a page from my notebook back in September 2019 as I journaled through my sepsis recovery. 

Looking back there were so many moments that just didnt make sense. The thoughts that I struggled with, the emotions, the pain....

From time to time, I read through them again and I often don't recognize myself in the middle of it all. There was so much more that the Lord walked me through than just being physically ill. I'm humbled each and every time as I remember how He showed up again and again expecially in moments that overwhelmed me like these when the circumsatance in front of me was difficult to see past and what I was left with was holding onto the simple reminder that HIS love is enough. 

My heart aches for those who walk through their struggles without leaning into Him. Please...if this is you, know you dont have to walk it alone. And as always, I am here. To stand in faith with you. To pray for you. To walk this journey beside you. 

Letting people in your life is not a weakness but a sign of true strength. And I assure you, the Lord is waiting to show up in ways you will never expect.