23. Every Knee Will Bow

Back in February, I had a dream. I was lead to recreate the image I saw in my dream and it is one I finally finished and I am sharing with you now. I will honestly tell you, I have never drawn like this. When I had the dream, I wrote it down in my journal while it was still fresh in my mind. The image that you see here was burned into my memory bank and I simply could not get it out of my head. Many times, I have had the nudge to try to recreate it somehow. All I kept thinking was “but I don’t draw!” But I kept feeling that tug and I finally sat down and declared “Lord, I am a pencil in YOUR hand!” Praise God this is what we created. 

I believe the image can stand on it’s own, but there was context within the dream that I believe is needing to be shared as well: 

In my dream, the atmosphere was completely chaotic. There was no clear definition of where I was or what the surroundings were but there was so much going on and everyone was in complete panic. As I was standing in the middle of the blurred chaos around me, an image of a hand nailed to the cross filled the sky-it was dark and redall around and a mixed feeling of agony and the purest faith twisted itself in my heart. As I continued to look up, a massive lions head filled the right side of the sky, completely taking over in dominance. There was no sound, but you could hear the authority and intensity of the majestic beast simply because of his presence. The colors were deep, again with reds and yellows but most notably a majestic purple throughout the entire mane of the lion. 

I then saw children without specified ages and there was a heavy fear and burden that gripped my heart for these children. As I heard “EVERY KNEE WILL BOW” the intense emotion I felt as I looked again at the image in the sky, left me with the question, “if they had to endure that kind of agony, would their faith stand strong?” And the burden to pray for the children filled my spirit with urgency. 

Without a doubt I believe this dream from February was illustrating the times we are walking through today. Yes, we are experiencing a chaos but even in my dream it was a minor detail in comparison to the message being delivered. 

It is not a question of IF every knee will bow…. but it is a promise that will, in fact, hold true. 

"It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’” Romans 14:11

22. The Invisible Symptoms

I learned very early about Post Sepsis Syndrome by coming across the information on my own on the Sepsis Alliance Website (https://www.sepsis.org/sepsis-basics/post-sepsis-syndrome/ ) the lingering side effects that can last for months and even years after sepsis: Memory loss, confusion, fear, PTSD, body aches, anxiety, fatigue and the list goes on. They are often considered the “invisible symptoms” and although the intensity of these symptoms have significantly eased up, this was where my story sat for the last nine months.

I believe many people have sat or are possibly still sitting in this place too…..you know the spot: People look at you and because you look good, they have no reason to think you aren’t good. Or maybe someone asks you how you are and because you don’t want to journey down that conversation again you just say “good” and quickly change the subject. Maybe you have to pass on another opportunity but don’t want to explain why you’re just not up for it so you come up with another reason or let them fill in the blank on their own. Maybe you do share a few details of what you are going through and you hear in return “I know how you feel” out of sympathy even though you both know there is no possible way for anyone to truly know how the other is feeling. Maybe no one says anything at all to you because they are afraid or uncomfortable with what door it may open. 

The invisible symptom spot is hard. And it does not only target those walking through an illness or with a physical condition. Especially with what is going on in the world around us today, so many of us may already be feeling the effects that the invisible symptoms are leaving and the truth is, it is a lonely spot. A spot where emotion filled questions get thrown up at God. A spot where words like hopeless and helpless are the only adjectives you can hear. A spot filled with misunderstanding, vulnerability, emptiness and isolation. It has been in this spot during my recovery where I have felt the most alone.

But it has also been in this same spot that I have met Jesus time and time again. 

❤️Sometimes He just sits with me and lets me cry. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
❤️Other times He gives my heart a memory of happiness, even though He knows the physical act of smiling is still too much. “The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” Psalms 126:3
❤️He has shown me the tough love as He peels me up off the floor and reminds me of the five beautiful faces who need me to be strong. “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” Isaiah 40:29.
❤️There have been times I have declared that I have nothing left and He sends a friend into my path so I remember who walks beside me. “Finally all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” 1 Peter 3:8
❤️And there were times when my mind was so overwhelmed and He blesses me with a good night’s sleep. “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16

No day is an easy day when you are walking through something hard. I am not one to tell you it should be. But in that spot of invisible symptoms, I have come to recognize that in this world, it may be true that no one will truly understand the details of your story and how it effects you…but what I am certain of is when your heart belongs to Jesus, even when you are a slobbering mess who can’t get it together and begin to allow doubt to creep in, Jesus will sit with you every single time. Listen carefully in that spot! Listen as He reminds you that you are never alone when you walk with Him.

“I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalms 91:2

(Image artist unknown)

21. Call out to Him

“Call out to Him!”

“Call on His name”...? 

I was thinking about this concept and I believe there is one key element we can overlook: Jesus is not like a vending machine. We cannot stand in front of Him, looking at all our options and decide to buy into which one we are in the mood for that day. We cannot cry out His name and expect Him to “fix” everything by making the financial struggle selection (or anything else we may face) as we watch the solution fall into our laps. We cannot call on Him ONLY when times are hard or when we are struggling. 

But I do believe that for many of us (myself included) many journeys started with that cry...it is not a cry for things to magically disappear but instead it is a cry when we come to the end of ourselves: When we recognize we cannot possibly do it anymore on our own and we realize that with every effort we make, we cannot control our life, we cannot fix what is broken, we cannot do what God can do. He doesn’t want you to wait til you hit that spot, but often that is where many find themselves before they can see their weakness in comparison to His strength. 

(and by the way that “cry” can look like many different things. Maybe it’s listening to a serman for the first time. Maybe it’s opening your Bible after years of never pulling it off the shelves. Maybe it is the actual act of yelling out ”Jesus help me!”. Maybe you already know Him, but have never completely surrendered to Him so it’s a cry to invite Him deeper into your life.) 

One of my favorite things I’ve heard my pastor say is “God is not hiding from you.” He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants you to call to Him. He wants to reveal himself to you-it is our hearts that need softened, not His. He wants you to open the door when He knocks...But it is YOU who must open the door because He will not do it for you. (and if you are reading this, HE IS KNOCKING!!!! If you have ever heard anything about the Bible, Jesus, God, prayer, the Holy Spirit, church, Easter, Christmas, the list goes on HE IS KNOCKING! )

But here’s the thing: once you take that first step, once you cry out to Him, once you open that door, what you do next matters just as much. No matter what that cry looks like, don’t let it end there. Dive into the word; continue to go to (virtual) church; begin praying daily (even if it starts just as a few words); Reach out to others who already walk their life with Jesus...Take one step after one step. As much as you may want it to be a quick fix, crying out to Him is only one step of many to build a true relationship with Christ where you give all you are to Him and He saturates your life with beauty you can’t even imagine. But it must start somewhere. Whether you are at your low or at your high (and anywhere in between) start today. Take that first step to allow Him in where you have kept Him out.

20. Where’s your Voice? REPOST

Written January 21, 2020 REPOSTED

I have spent a good 7 months in, what I can best describe as emotional and mental torment still with a confidence that I knew I was going to be ok even while facing my worst days. Wondering, questioning, doubting, rejoicing, praising and thanking. It felt as if I was riding the worlds biggest underwater roller coaster with a weighted blanket draped over me in the most beautiful breeze of the summer months. Living has been the most challenging and the most fulfilling at the same time.

This has often felt like the real life example to the well known scripture in John 10:10 where Jesus says, “the thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life…” The truth is, the enemy couldn’t steal my faith the way he tried; he couldn’t kill me in the way he wanted to; he wasn’t able to destroy my family the way he planned and his attempt to keep me silenced has backfired….all because of Jesus Christ. I don’t know if you know Jesus or not, but He really is amazing. And if there is one thing that rings true beyond all else, it’s that life may not play out the way we plan or imagine but Jesus brings us life none the less. Whether we live on Earth for a hundred years with Him guiding us or even if death finds us young, knowing Him as our Lord gives us the hope that we can make it through the brokenness of this world and when our time is done, we who believe, will all live forever in heaven with the one who gave us breath in our lungs to begin with, joyously pain free.

I believe with all my heart that there are so many of you out there who have walked your own journey with God. Perhaps, like mine, it was a journey of a darkness that tried to swallow you...but perhaps not. No matter the details, I believe that you have a story to tell. A story that glorifies God the Father. You are being called to share that story.

Share your testimony.
Share Jesus.
Share what He has done in your life.
Share how He walked you through your journey.
Share Him.

He loves us more than we can ever comprehend. Love Him back. Love Him loud enough that others take notice. They need to meet the Jesus who was beaten, broken, and humiliated before dying so WE could be saved. They need to meet the Jesus who has taken more undeserving verbal abuse from those who don’t know or understand Him and yet He STILL waits with open arms til they find their way to Him. They need to meet the Jesus who saves. They need to meet the Jesus who gives life and makes all things possible. Be that person who can begin the introduction. You are bold enough to declare His goodness. You are strong enough to tell your story. You are loved enough to be given the words you will need. There is someone out there who needs to hear them. Why are you waiting?

“And so you will bear testimony to me. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.” Luke 21:13-15

“...Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent.” Acts 18:9

19. Take your Next Step

I sit and ask "Lord, will you lead me?" and instantly he takes me for a walk above the clouds. Standing there I see a city so far below me it is hardly recognizable. Soft fog and whisps of clouds float by. And a beautiful golden path begins to lay out before me. I take a step and it is solid. I take another step and another step. Then the path fades and disappears and what is left before me is an empty sky, the tiny city so far below and the sound of silent wind blowing in my hair. 

And I hear...
"Take your next step."
"But there's no path, Lord." I say.
"You asked me to lead you...and I'm asking you to trust me." he replies.

So I take a hesitant step and an invisible path shimmers under me. And I realize that shimmer was always there but I failed to see it when I saw my situation through my own eyes. When I was focused on the fall, and the downward spiral of the what-ifs. When I saw the impossible instead of the all possible. 

Will you take that step when there appears to be no solid path? Will you trust Him when you can't see? Will you put down your own interpretation and open your heart to him? Will you believe for the impossible because God makes ALL things possible?! 

Friends, no matter what we see or don't see, He will never leave us without a path. Trust Him. 

"We fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

18. God never Fails REPOST

Written December 27, 2019 REPOST

This Christmas season was unexpectedly challenging for me. And when I say unexpected…..I totally mean unexpected. It felt as if I was having a complete relapse….anxiety attacks, high emotions, feelings of doubt and dread flooded my thoughts. Humiliating and terrifying dreams that reminded me of my stay in the hospital leaving me totally uncomfortable and vulnerable, sleepless nights, Adam and the kids getting sick that sent me into a spiral of fear and uncertainty. Plus the added holiday festivities. Even in the moments of fun, I was once again sensitive to noise and overwhelmed by the activity. It felt like I was living in a month of not being able to breath. I was not expecting any of it and I found myself waiting for it all to pass and the joyful season to start….

In doing so, I sunk into myself and what was happening around me a little more. And being completely honest I went from waking up every morning to spend an hour + with God to not opening my Bible for nearly two weeks. I sunk. Hard. It is very true that reading your Bible is never meant to be a checklist item….but it is also very true that when you don’t spend time aligning yourself with God, your thoughts begin to get so mixed up in the middle of an emotional tornado til nothing seems to make any sense and you’re only able to see the mess of emotions hitting all at once. And that’s where I found myself Christmas Eve morning….

I excused myself from the morning craziness of getting ready at my house (retreated is really what I did if I’m being honest) and hit my knees in my room where I silently whispered “God I’m not strong enough for this anymore. I have nothing left.” See, when we stray from Gods word, we tend to start believing we must be the ones with the strength. And as I sat with my face in my hands, tears streaming down and the feeling of defeat overwhelming me, I heard a particular lyric to a song I have listened to many many times.

“I may be weak but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will.”

In that moment, I was such a mess I couldn’t have reminded myself of any scripture if I wanted to….so, instead He reminded me of His truth and his never ending-no-strings-attached love through the lyrics of a song. 

“I may be weak but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God you never will.”

It was just the reminder I needed….I am not meant to be strong. At least not in the definition we put on it. HE is my strength. HE has been the one who has got me through every step of this journey. The emotions didn’t disappear, but I was able to get up off the floor of my bedroom and through the rest of the days activities I found the constant reminder that I wasn’t alone and the beautifully unexplainable peace among the chaos that can only be found through Him. 

Emotions and trauma can apparently take you for some weird loops….and I am not a fan. But if you are in a place where you have hit your knees and also feel like you have nothing left, I am here to remind you friend, you are not alone. I am honored to share the message of my tears and the beautiful God who peeled me off the floor that morning because, He is waiting for you too….He is waiting for you to turn to him, to surrender what you think you know and what you think you feel and allow Him to remind you of His truth.

Our flesh may fail but our God NEVER will.

17. Run the Race REPOST

Written December 19, 2019 REPOSTED

For years I feel like things have been taking place in my life that is guiding me to a very specific direction. I am someone who is a GO! DO! I will not go anywhere or do anything without connecting it to another task. My brain is constantly moving and thinking and chugging and idea-ing. Honestly…it's exhausting. And for years I have questioned WHY?! Why am I this way?
Many nights I desired a peace that I didn't even fully understand. In my quest to find the “me” definition I was seeking, I thought I could find it in the things I did. In the process I began to pick up more and fill my plate even fuller-'maybe this will work', I would think. There was a fear that I DIDN’T WANT TO MISS IT …so with every single opportunity, I took it on: There was a time that with everything I was tackling, I was waking up between 4:00-5:00 every morning; hiring a sitter just to get work done; falling asleep at the computer many nights; putting movies on for my kids who were not yet in school so I could plug in working hours during the day…I ignored invitations to do things, and go places. I did everything I possibly could to make sure that no opportunity passed me by. 

I missed it all. With every single thing I added to my plate, I let go of something else. Right around Christmas 2016 when I was pregnant with Parker, I began hearing God tell me to empty my plate. Start removing things. And at first I thought, "There is no way. I would be leaving someone hanging in the process. But slowly and with the most beautiful amount of patience I didn't deserve, God reminded me again and again. He held my hand every time He whispered "It will be ok" and I cried shaking my head saying "but how?!" Over the following two years, I S-L-O-W-L-Y began letting go and opening my heart to God allowing Him to breath into me my worth through HIS eyes. It was time to slow down. It was time to refocus. It was time to let go.

Sitting. Resting. Pondering. Slowly. Developing. These are not words I hold in my vocabulary very easily. But it was exactly what God was asking me to do. Slow down and Hear HIM. It didn’t matter how much I was trying to do for others or for my family. I was still missing God because of how noisy my life had become. Little by little, things were cleared from my plate and with each one, it wasn't the feeling of failure I dreaded…it was a sigh of relief. A breath of God's fresh air.

One morning while praying I was given a picture of the scene right before a horse race begins….I was inside the tiny stall the horse and rider are put into. I heard every noise, felt the overwhelming chaos, the unsettling jumpiness of bumping back and forth into the sides with the smallest movements; These horses were ready for the gate to be opened and the opportunity for them to DO what they have been training tirelessly to do. But as long as the gate stays closed, they remain waiting anxiously and impatiently inside. 

I saw that I was one of God’s horses…. I recognized how hard it felt to be kept in the little stall….over and over again bumping into the sides and feeling trapped. I knew I was one of His called (as are each of us) I confessed my readiness and dedication to serve Him and love on people in His name. But I also recognized how hard it was to hear His voice above the noise. I didn’t want to stay in this stall anymore than the horses do before the big race. But I knew in my heart, this was where God asked me to be.
This has become my waiting spot over the years. The slowly letting go of things that God was asking me to let go of until it was only me and Him and I feel I have finally hit that spot of understanding a complete and total surrender. He has shown me what it means to wait: To still myself in His presence. To focus through the noise of what is surrounding me daily. To listen intently for His voice. To feel His presence through the pain and despite fidgeting uncomfortably and wanting to break free in a FULL on sprint, I knew He was teaching me how to let go of my good ideas and my plans and my timing and trust Him. 

Maybe you are in your own stall. I don't know when God is opening my gate any more than I know when He will open yours. He reminds that it will happen. But in the meantime, don’t try to break out. Trust Him. Stop and listen to what He is trying to teach you. Chances are, if you feel He has put you in a time of waiting, He has something important for you to learn. And believe that even in that stall, He is using you in big ways. It may not always feel like it, but what you do behind that closed gate can make more of an impact in His kingdom than in front of a crowd of millions.

(Photo not my own)