I briefly mentioned waking up in the middle of the night on day three of my hospital stay with suffocating nightmares. I believed at the time that it was the enemy trying to intimidate me and make me fearful….one last attempt to slow me down and silence me. But over the last few months, I am realizing that perhaps these dreams were never from the enemy to begin with. Perhaps these dreams were from God himself. But the question of why a God so great would give dreams that left me feeling terrified plagued me. I am one who has repeatedly reminded myself and others that God is not the author of fear so to say He gave me these dreams could not possibly be the case….could it? I still do not fully understand the origin of the dreams. But as I share them, I believe you will agree with me that it doesn’t really matter. What we must focus on is perspective. And not our perspective but living a life through the eyes of Jesus. When we do, revelation comes even in the middle of a fear driven moment. With each dream I had that night, it is true that I felt a level of fearful intimidation, but God has taken those dreams one by one and shown where He stood. He illustrated His authority and power that can only be found through being focused on Him and by doing so, also reminded me of what authority lives within me because He walks with me. I believe with all my heart it was yet another way He was preparing me for what I would encounter outside of the hospital once I went home-preparing my armor, strengthening my heart and providing me weapons so I could face the next step as the intense battle of recovery would begin.
Dream 1:
Imagine a carousel and the way it moves around in a circle. Now remove the horses and anything fun leaving you with the platform and movement. I was standing right in the center where there was no motion and what was circulating around me were very real TV-like images. The best I can describe the general feel of the imagery was carnival horror movie. Moulin rouge weird. Each scene circled around in its own TV screen before it passed by and the next one followed. Once scene stopped in front of me. There was a group of behind-the-scene carnival like people. Dirty, makeup running, drinking, drugs, cackling laughter, hanging all over each other in a cloud of smoke. There was one man in the middle. He had a white stained sleeveless undershirt on with black suspenders holding up pants too big for him. It was as if he was the dirty clown in half the costume. His makeup was only partially on his face and running off with sweat. His dark hair was messy as if he just took off a wig. And he sat there in the middle of everything and everyone. No one else in the scene noticed me but the man in the middle locked eyes with me directly. Through the smoke, he reached his hand out to me and his hand came through the TV screen in from of me. He held it there and waiting for me to take it. It was as if he was offering me his hand to join them. I knew in my dream that if I took it, he would pull me in to become a part of this scene. I did not take his hand. And immediately that dream faded.
Imagine a carousel and the way it moves around in a circle. Now remove the horses and anything fun leaving you with the platform and movement. I was standing right in the center where there was no motion and what was circulating around me were very real TV-like images. The best I can describe the general feel of the imagery was carnival horror movie. Moulin rouge weird. Each scene circled around in its own TV screen before it passed by and the next one followed. Once scene stopped in front of me. There was a group of behind-the-scene carnival like people. Dirty, makeup running, drinking, drugs, cackling laughter, hanging all over each other in a cloud of smoke. There was one man in the middle. He had a white stained sleeveless undershirt on with black suspenders holding up pants too big for him. It was as if he was the dirty clown in half the costume. His makeup was only partially on his face and running off with sweat. His dark hair was messy as if he just took off a wig. And he sat there in the middle of everything and everyone. No one else in the scene noticed me but the man in the middle locked eyes with me directly. Through the smoke, he reached his hand out to me and his hand came through the TV screen in from of me. He held it there and waiting for me to take it. It was as if he was offering me his hand to join them. I knew in my dream that if I took it, he would pull me in to become a part of this scene. I did not take his hand. And immediately that dream faded.
Where was God in that dream? You may ask. A month after I was home, I was diagnosed with PTSD. During that time (and even sometimes now), I recognized an brand new urge to find something to help with the lingering effects (specifically the emotions and pain) I dealt with early on. It was the first time I remember ever craving an alcoholic beverage with a deep intense desire. According to the Foundations recovery network “Many individuals with PTSD will turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to numb their pain or to gain some measure of control in their lives.” Medical marijuana was mentioned at some point and the offer was tempting so much in fact I agreed to try it…but I never did. Immediately after I said yes, this dream flashed through my mind again. I could still see the hand that reached out to me as if the man was still waiting for me to take it and I heard the still small whisper of the Holy Spirit say to me “you don’t need that. You need me.” I have since dumped many drinks down the drain that were poured by me in an attempt to escape my feelings. The truth is, I couldn’t escape the truth that nothing-absolutely nothing was going to give me the relief I sought. There was only one person who could provide what I needed. And I had to make a choice once again: take the man’s hand of addiction offering a “way out” or turn from it and take the hand of Christ. I choose the latter. A life lived in a cloud of smoke is not the life God planned for any of us.
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