This particular memory was one that I wrote within days of coming home from the hospital. They say it takes about a month for one to be officially diagnosed with PTSD symptoms. I can read through this particular experience and long for the time that life felt this simple and this full after my experience yet when I was living through it, I wasn’t able to fully see it that way. Regardless, I look upon this moment fondly as it felt like a moment of calm. A calm that sat in between two storms; two storms of survival: the first storm was one of a physical nature (which ultimately continued to carry into each day), and the one to come after this moment, which was a storm of emotional, mental and spiritual survival.
I think there are many times God gives us mile markers-ones we can look back at and see a foundation being built or a moment that changes perspective. Often times, I find that these moments are so very simple and if we are not careful, we can overlook some of the most monumental ways God wants to speak to us. It was this moment that led me into the next. But it was also this moment that kept me going through the rest. My marker of peace. My marker of strength. My marker of rest. My marker that even to this day brings the calm He wanted me to feel no matter what storm was beginning to rage during the next season...
After everything that has happened since Luke was born, the last couple days have hit me the hardest. Im finding it easy to feel sadness over certain things...things that are so beyond anything I am used to it's almost as if I have to be a completely different person than what I've always been.
Then I hear it again....my doctor sitting at the edge of my hospital bed holding my hand apologizing for the oversight on their part when I called in the day before my health deteriorated. Hearing her say to me that first night i was in the ER: "I think we can get you better." and quickly I find myself reliving what me and my family went through and whether I like it or not the tears flow.
BUT I realize that through everything, a prayer that I have prayed over the last year has been answered....peace. peace among my crazy messy chaos. and I see that now more than ever I have had to slow down-not by my own desire but by necessity. and honestly even with all the things that make me sad and emotional, I have never felt so much peace.
🌿Laying beside Luke and watching him sleep as he goes through the million sleeping baby faces.
🌿Seeing each and every drop of mud splashed all over Parker’s clothes as he plays in the digging hole in the backyard in between rain showers.
🌿Soaking in every second of the shows Kaylee has put on for me and hearing the number of times she has said "mom's home. it feels like life again."
🌿Listening to Chloe singing made up songs to Luke as she gets to have a turn to feed him his bottle.
🌿Seeing just how perfectly destructive Austin is as he sharpens sticks into spears that he knows will be confiscated as soon as he is done.
🌿Witnessing the inner 'daddy strength' that Adam never knew he had as he prepares bottles and wakes up with Luke in the middle of the night so I can get a little more rest.
Everything is so very different this time around and as easy as it is to be sad about a lot of it....and believe me MANY tears have already been shed...there is truth and comfort knowing that God is good- all the time! Quite often it's in the littlest moments we tend to overlook....so here I am: a little bit sad. a little bit angry. a little bit tired. a little bit afraid. and then I hear my beautiful oldest baby say it again...."mom's home. it feels like life again." and that peace I've prayed for washes over me and I know Gods still got us. 😉
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