16. Getting back Up

Within the first couple weeks of being home, I was still having questionable symptoms. From a returning rash, to pain that resembled the start of it all and more. I called the only number that was given to me multiple times which was the number for my OB office. Initial blood tests showed my numbers were high again indicating something was still “floating” around in my system. An ultrasound was ordered, more blood work more testing. After a little more than a week, the recurring tests eventually came back normal and I sat in the office one afternoon, still with pain, still with questions unanswered waiting to have a face to face conversation with the doctor.

Dr. B (my delivery doctor) stood in front of me….a big smile on her face as she told me all my tests were now normal. Good news, yes….but in all honesty, their version of normal lost all meaning to me at that point. As I continued to express my concern and irritation for the seemingly indifferent attitude I was receiving from them since being home combined with the fact I was still having symptoms regardless of the testing, she frustratingly threw her arms in the air and said, “We’ve done every test we can think of, what else would you like us to do?” 

My mind was screaming at my doctor. Anger, sadness, fear, defeat. Further conversation was had, tears were choked back as I thought to myself, “If my own doctors who walked through the entire ordeal are giving up on me….what do I do now?” I didn’t have an answer and I so badly wanted to get my point across. I wanted to shoot words her way to stop her in her tracks. To feel the pain I was struggling with daily. To understand the fear of finding out the severity of my condition on my own. To remind her what happened. And show her how much it felt like they abandoned me. 

I left the office feeling completely helpless and totally alone. I cried to Adam that night, and my mom, and my sister in law. They let me be angry as I spoke but ultimately I just felt defeated. 

I wanted to continue to blame the doctors for everything and stay angry at them forever. But at the same time, I wanted them to tell me what I needed to do to get better. Yes, it was their choice to respond and treat me the way they did, but it was in that moment that God stepped in, brought me to my knees once again and whispered to my heart,

“I’ve still got you. I‘ll never let you go. You are not abandoned”

Because of my anger, my focus was shifting. I no longer saw the doctors as a tool in God’s hand, I was seeking them for answers that they could not give. Sometimes it is hard to keep things in perspective: But trust when God strips away your earthly lifelines, He’s bringing you to your knees, it is not because he wants to see you weak, it is because he is building in you the strength to get back up.