6. My time with Jesus

*shortly after getting home from the hospital, I wrote down three different occasions where I felt the presence of Christ with me. What you see in italics as well as the sketches I drew are from those moments.

Saturday, June 8, 2019
While I was in the ER, it wasn't long before we realized my condition was still getting worse. Weirdly enough, no one seemed to be in any hurry. Upon getting there, my temperature was still over 102 (even with additional medication), my resting heart rate was around 150 and my blood pressure was what they were considering "border- line low". I felt freezing and kept asking for more blankets and despite multiple doses of medication and fluid,they couldn't get my fever down so one nurse recommended I stay outside of the blankets or they would likely have to pack me with ice. Fluids and blood work were started-tests were beginning to be ordered and...

🕊Not long after we got there, I remember my chest feeling heavy. I remember telling Adam I couldn't breathe. I remember feeling like my head was flopping from side to side instead of moving with intention. I remember feeling confused and not being able to tell if I was clearly speaking or even speaking at all. And I remember so very clearly feeling as if Jesus was with me-sitting on the edge of my bed holding my hand. And when I felt his presence, I remember thinking and feeling how easy it would be to fall asleep. All I wanted to do was sleep and I felt like I could sleep forever. I so very much wanted to sleep forever. My body felt so still at that moment. For however long those thoughts went through my head, I felt no pain, no cold, no fear, nothing but peace and stillness. Then I remember hearing Adam say, "Are you alright?" and I was aware again…

At some point Adam called my mom to switch places with him. We had taken Luke with us in hopes I would still be able to nurse him but obviously not being able to anymore, he needed to take Luke home and figure out formula. We were both overwhelmed-still no answers, no direction. It was strangely quiet. No one knew what was wrong with me. At least no one in the ER said so if they did. I was being watched. Perhaps they didn’t know how sick I was but how could they not? Regardless, a test was ordered...a CT scan. As they were wheeling me out of the room, standing in the doorway Adam was holding our 3 day old baby boy; cradling him in arms that made him look even tinier than the 6 lbs 9 oz he was. A baby I had carried with me for 6,570 hours but only had been able to hold and snuggle for less than 72. I knew my fifth child so well already. My baby. He was my baby. And I looked up at the man I built my life details with and loved for more than 12 years of my life as they slowed the bed in the doorway. He knew too. “Don’t worry. I got this.” He said. I nodded. Relief. I knew he did. And I loved him for it….

🕊We got to the imaging room. I was in so much pain. The nurse asked me if I could get up to move onto the table. I couldn't. So her and another lady wrapped me in the blanket to lift me over-in doing so caused excruciating pain to course though my body and I screamed out. “What hurts hunny?” I remember her asking me. I couldn’t answer. As I was laying there, waiting for the test to start, I remember trying to keep myself calm although I didn't feel panicked. And as I was processing the pain and anticipating the test beginning, I was given a clear vision of Jesus climbing onto the table directly beside me to lay down and wrap his arm around me. It was as if to say, "you're not doing this alone." Complete and total calm washed over me. If you could imagine a puddle of water that just had a drip cause the ripple effect suddenly stop and become as still as glass as if nothing rattled the surface to begin with, that was the calm I felt...

When I returned from the CT scan, Adam and Luke were gone and my mom was there. Still, no one had been told anything about what was going on. We had no answers and no indications. But at some point the ER finally contacted the lead OB in the practice (Dr. R) who had them start me on 3 different iv antibiotics. They decided to watch my heart rate for a little while longer to see if it would come down and once it hit the 130s, they transferred me to my own private room. 

🕊It was in this room I saw Dr. R for the first time. The room itself was dim and quiet. As Dr. R stood next to my bed talking to me, I mentioned I had a rash on my legs and she pulled my covers back to see that my legs were completely purple and somewhat patchy. It was in this moment her whole demeanor shifted and the atmosphere changed. My mom and I both recognized it as we heard her mumble the word, “sepsis” under her breath and saw the panic in her actions as she began typing into the computer. It was here in this room that she then sat on the side of my bed, holding my hand and apologizing for the oversight of symptoms at their office the day before. Here she said "I think we can get you better." and I nodded.

🕊It was in this room she had to pump me full of morphine so she could examine me to confirm what she was thinking: my uterus was infected. And it was during this time that the pain I was experiencing could be felt through the dose of morphine and my mom whispering to me and holding one hand while the nurse held my other so I couldn't push my doctor away. It was during this time that I felt as if another hand was touching my shoulder and I knew immediately He was with me again. The pain did not go away. Yet there was no fear and even more noticeable no doubt in a very dim situation. No "what ifs" played through my head. It was what it was. But I wasn't alone. And nothing else mattered. 

🕊We still had no understanding of the situation I was in and for the next three days it was as if I was simply existing. no thoughts -just going through what I had to go through. There was never an option of not living-it just didn't seem to exist. It was what it was….but there was a deep, unspoken knowledge cemented in my soul that I was blanketed by Jesus Christ.