1. My Goodbyes

Written Feb 17, 2020 REPOSTED

We all know the concept that tomorrow is never promised…and looking back, there was nothing…literally not even the ER doctors that was keeping me alive…nothing in those moments but the power of the Almighty Father. And the thought hits me…I said my goodbyes. I didn’t even realize I did it….twice. You know, when you are reassuring someone you love more than anything that everything will be alright when you know it’s likely not the case…it was that kind of goodbye. Before I even made it to the hospital; before I was even diagnosed, my body knew what my mind didn’t.

June 8, 2019

Walking out of my house, slowly taking each step with extra caution, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Barely able to stand or speak, an ambulance was mentioned. But my kids were playing in the backyard, watching every slow and grimacing step I was making and I knew they couldn’t see me ride away in an ambulance. Instead, halfway down the steps, I smiled at them. Invited them to come say bye to me with my arms stretched open for hugs. Breathing as deeply as I could to mask the intense pain, I loved my babies with as much reassurance as I could muster….”yes hunny, I’m going to be ok. The doctors are going to help me figure out why my belly hurts.” I puffed. Kisses on the heads. Little arms squeezing my waist in the most intensely painful hug I’ve ever experienced. More forced smiles from all of us and voices one octave too high to really be ok. Slowly moving down the next set of steps….Adam in front helping me, my mom behind. Each step I could feel four little sets of eyes glued to me. Each step, I knew I wasn’t able to mask what we all could tell. Something was very very wrong. Slowly walking to the car, Adam opening it for me as I braced myself for the task of somehow getting in without screaming out. Breathing heavily, I did it. No relief. But faces still looking at me. “Maybe it’s another baby” one of mine said and we all giggled. Oh how I love them my heart thought and I heard my voice say so. No tears as the car door closed. Waving hands and unsure smiling faces from us all as my mom stood with my children while the car backed out of the driveway. One more look as we turned down the street. My head flopped. My first goodbye. 

No one knew what was wrong with me. At least no one in the ER said so if they did. I was being watched. Looking back it feels as if they were watching to see if I was going to die. Perhaps they didn’t know how sick I was but how could they not? Regardless, another test was ordered….a CT scan. As they were wheeling me out of the room, standing in the doorway Adam was holding our 3 day old baby boy; cradling him in arms that made him look even tinier than the 6 lbs 9 oz he was. A baby I had carried with me for 6,570 hours but only had been able to hold and snuggle for less than 72. I knew my fifth child so well already. My baby. He was my baby. And I looked up at the man I built my life details with and loved for more than 12 years of my life as they slowed the bed in the door way. He knew too. “Don’t worry. I got this.” He said. I nodded. Relief. I knew he did. And I loved him for it. My second goodbye....